Note: This is a personal thinkpiece about living with, and interacting with, suicidal ideaology. The following is not meant to address acute crisis. If you are in danger and need immediate attention, please consider these 10 places to ask for help.
I believe that by hiding death and dying behind closed doors we do more harm than good to our society.
I believe that the culture of silence around death should be broken through discussion, gatherings, art, innovation, and scholarship.
I believe that talking about and engaging with my inevitable death is not morbid, but displays a natural curiosity about the human condition.
I believe that the dead body is not dangerous, and that everyone should be empowered (should they wish to be) to be involved in care for their own dead.
I believe that the laws that govern death, dying and end-of-life care should ensure that a person’s wishes are honored, regardless of sexual, gender, racial or religious identity.
I believe that my death should be handled in a way that does not do great harm to the environment.
I believe that my family and friends should know my end-of-life wishes, and that I should have the necessary paperwork to back-up those wishes.
I believe that my open, honest advocacy around death can make a difference, and can change culture.
And I believe in a persons right to be the arbiter of their own death, should they so choose.
At one time, I was incensed by the doctors who brought me back. Now, I am indescribably grateful. You can #livethroughthis 1-800-273-8255 – Sept 13, 2013 on twitter
In many situations, suicide is not chosen, however; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. And while I advocate for each individual to have agency over their death as well as their life, if that’s how they want it, I also advocate for all people to have unstigmatized and affordable access to trauma recovery skills, mental health support, medications, grief recovery support, and simple human witness to enable them to better live their lives, while they are alive.
These things, to me — along with housing, medical care, food, water — in any society that is worth even half a shit, is a manufactured right for all. In many cases, having this makes all the difference. And in many people’s lived realities, even in the richest and most ‘civilized’ nations in the world, these resources are not readily available to all who need them.
Suicidal ideology has been a part of my world for as long as I can actively remember. One thing I can attest to is that, contrary to the limited narrative of how suicidal thoughts present and what they mean, ones relationship with suicide can be incredibly complicated and nuanced, and that it can change over time.
Suicidal ideation doesn’t always present like the dramatic depictions we are familiar with. It can come once, ever, via external circumstance like a familial loss. It can come in familiar, dramatic spurts when we are stressed to our limits. It can be a constant companion with which one ebbs and flows indefinitely.
Sometimes it sneaks up on you quietly over time, a soft whisper as you fall asleep, welcoming the embrace of death should it come naturally in the night. Sometimes it swoops into your life and takes you along like a bat out of hell, violently and urgently forcing its way into your view of absolutely everything.
Sometimes it signals hopeless tropes and embarrassingly human cliches we want so desperately to be above participating in (“I’ll never find another person who loves me”). Other times it illuminates a subconscious, locked away trauma rising to the surface of ones experience with seemingly no rhyme or reason to the cause… at first.
You may even be tapping into a place of profound knowing that threatens the status quo of your core identity. You may, in fact, be threatening to grow beyond your current capacity to even imagine yourself, thus setting off your own internal alarms. You may be feeling the collective grief of a world tragedy, contributing to your individual struggles.
Suicidal ideology does not always manifest simply in those critical deciding moments we most fear, or in chemical imbalances in our brains. If you’re feeling suicidal, there is a lot that could be going on.
Here is an incomplete reference list of relatively simple, low cost, or free things I’ve found helpful to both survive as well as better understand my lifetime relationship with suicide, suicidal thoughts, and my resulting mental health advocacy.
This post serves both as a reference list for the suicidal, and for those concerned about someone in their life. If you have a suggestion for something you think should be on here, please email me.
- Take care of your own self.
* If you are in an abusive relationship, and are not ready to leave, please read this unique and vital perspective.
* Kitty Stryker talks about her 10 ways to help someone who is suicidal at The Frisky.
* 26 times that advice actually worked, as told by those suffering the mental illness.
* 21 tips for keeping your shit together (when you’re depressed)
* 81 Mental Health Resources when you can’t afford a therapist.
* Printable, and excellent, self care checklist.
* Interactive self care game that incorporates many of the suggestions mentioned in the resources above in a format that can help with the paralyzation that often accompanies suicidal thoughts.
* Take a break in The Quiet Place
* Take an Inventory of your body and give your mind a rest.
* Explore the wisdom of your Vulnerability and Shame - Dispel the myths, many of which you yourself may unconsciously hold, that we’ve all been taught regarding the nature of the people who suffer from depression and suicidal ideology (including if that person is you.). You can read more personal accounts of this here, and here.
If you are an advocate who writes about suicide, you can also read the basic guidelines about careful and respectful methods of speaking about suicide at http://reportingonsuicide.org/ to avoid unknowingly contributing to the problem.
- Know this number by heart: 1-800-273-8255. It is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline in the United States (if you’re from another place, know the number for yours). Be unafraid to use it or provide it, even if you don’t know what else to say; ESPECIALLY if you don’t know what else to say.
Head off immediate crisis online at IMAlive.org and U Can Cope.
- Don’t go it alone.
Solitude is a fertile ground when leveraged intentionally, but isolation is a greenhouse for hopelessness, and the internet is an insidious perpetrator of it. Attend a suicide bereavement support group or otherwise enroll others, in person, including seeking therapy for yourself.
Whether it is you who struggle, concern for a friend, or you have lost someone, you will be stronger, better educated, and have a support framework after having sought out the presence and participation of other people.
- Look into compassionate listening, nonviolent communication and mirroring techniques.
A person who is contemplating ending their life often simply needs to be acknowledged and heard authentically to turn the moment around; your having skills in effective listening could save a life. If you are the person contemplating ending their life, exploring these may enable you to develop self talk skills that can help you move through acute suicidal ideology and allow your inner voice to change over time.
- If your loved one has been diagnosed or believes they suffer from a specific mental illness, learn everything you can about that illness. Seek especially information that falls in within the guidelines at http://reportinsonsuicide.org and/or cites legitimate medical sources.
- If you are concerned, gently ask the person if they are suicidal. It is a myth that simply bringing up the subject will give a person the idea to attempt suicide.
- DO NOT SAY: “I don’t believe you’ll do it” – “I know how you feel” – “It can’t be that bad” – “You’re being selfish” – “I just don’t understand you.”
- DO SAY: “I recognize your crisis. I am here with* you and listening” – “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I am so glad you are talking to me about it.” (Using ‘with’ maintains the persons autonomy and empowerment while leaving room for you to simply be present, without having to be doing anything ‘for’ them.)
- Read, learn, and share your story of life after attempting suicide with the Live Through This project, run by suicide attempt survivor Dese’rae L. Stage.
- Read, learn, and share your story of loss by suicide with Scott Crisholm at Left Behind By Suicide (Collateral Damage)
It simply can’t be understated how important it is for us as a society to get over our irrational fears, avoidance and unreasonable notions regarding depression, death, suicide, grief, recovery from loss and what those things actually look like. The Grief Recovery Handbook (and associated in-person counseling) helped me be better at it, and eventually lead me to become certified to teach the method. Maybe it will help you too.