I just spent the last 2+ hours compiling a profit and loss statement for the Swedish Medical Center, of which I am requesting charity medical care so we can get CT scans of my sinuses and brain. This would be, at the best of times, a trying task for me; Math on its own avoids my grasp, and formatting documents isn’t far behind how daunting math is, so put the two of them together and I’m squinting fiercely trying to keep track and constantly having to rework things.
I got it done, and though it wasn’t the easiest or most comfortable thing to be doing right now, I am immensely appreciative of having to do it. Here’s why:
Though I’ve improved over the years, I still have a hard time seeing past being sick. Which makes the frequency of illness in my life especially damaging and annoying. This time hasn’t been any different, and I’ve had other things going on in my life as well to be down about, so mostly, I’ve been slow and mopey inside.
What this statement showed me is about what I expected: I have profited, after expenses but before taxes and living costs, just shy of $11,000 this year.
But my reaction to it wasn’t what I expected. My jaw would have dropped if I hadn’t been clenching it for the last 2 hours; what I found notable about that fact, is the reasons why that had flooded into my head.
In 2011, I:
- Lived in a huge, gorgeous victorian house with people I adored
- Made my living doing things I loved, in my own office with my own schedule, sharing my space with someone I admire, trust and work well with.
- Trained as much aerial circus as I desired
- Stayed at an amazing Bed and Breakfast in Leavenworth, WA, 3 times
- Took a 2.5 week road trip in a fast, fun, new car all down the west coast, to LA, Las Vegas and to visit my family in Sacramento, all of which I stayed comfortably and safely in.
- Attended Defcon, and the swankest party I’ve ever been to at the top of the Palms hotel in Vegas
- Stayed a weekend in a gorgeous Bed and Breakfast in Port Angeles, WA
- Put on an ambitious, expensive, AMAzing show of my music, and did it MY WAY.
- Spent a week exploring Ireland.
- Created art when, how, and why I wanted to.
- Always had a way to see a doctor when I needed one, even without insurance (through Qliance)
I have lived a LOT of life this year. A lot. And I don’t go hungry, I don’t live in squalor, I don’t have to stress about feeding a family or insuring a car or put up with abuse.
And I was reminded of earlier today, as I was considering on the bus ride home from my testing of all the possibilities that could lie ahead of me; if I ended up finding out something crazy, something like I had a brain tumor and a year to live, there is very, very little that I would do differently in the time I had left.
Very, very little.
My world — this utterly beautiful, ruthless, gentle, amazing, infuriating, incredible world, is literally brimming with generosity, like my eyes are brimming with tears right now.
It is utterly staggering, and a relief to me, to finally feel something other than frustration, hopelessness, jealousy and failure when I look dead on at how much money I make for my incessant, hard work.
Money is symbolic for me in some negative way. I’ve touched on it in therapy before and haven’t quite figured out what it is yet, but I know that my relationship and self imposed barriers surrounding money are a source of deep personal struggle for me. I suspect it goes beyond simply being frustrated consistently lacking the resources to do the work I want to do in the world, and not having a stable home base to do it in. Though, those two things are pretty big obstacles, all on their own.
It is a relief in this moment to feel such a deep gratitude among the pain, disability and loneliness I’ve felt these last few weeks after my health deteriorated.
And it feels so, so fucking good, to look back on all the people, past and present, that have made this small, complex, vibrant little life of mine such a worthwhile experience.
…and I don’t think I’m going to have any problem, getting the tests done that I need.
Thank you.