,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Peace%20Love%20and%20Understanding.MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/True%20Part%20III.MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Pop%20Me%20A%20Pill.MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Rolling%20Black%20Water.MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Great%20Ghosts.MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Passing%20Afternoon.MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Toxic%20Angel%20(Live).MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Before%20We%20Go%20To%20Bed.MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Invisible%20Hands.MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Don’t%20Follow.MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Dust%20in%20the%20Wind.MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Live%20—.MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Moonbeams.MP3
,http://blog.neevita.net/mp3mixs/20080706/Xibalba.MP3]
I am displeased.
I’ve allowed myself to remain deeply involved with someone who claims not to be ‘dating’ anyone, who categorizes me as a ‘friend’ along with everyone else in his life. I’ve allowed him to hide behind semantics and phrasing that I’ve known are bullshit to enable himself to enjoy me and another woman who also considers herself to be in a relationship with him. I’ve allowed for his selfish, dishonest, and often utterly ridiculous reactions to make me question my sanity, my motives, to feel controlling, out of line and unhinged – just as he’s hoped they would.
Even though I have been clear from the start where I stood in regards to multiple relationships in relation to ours, I have not stood my ground. I have allowed for his actions and my own to damage me over and over, as I quietly read books about strengthening the bonds between lovers, searching for new ways to connect and show affection toward him.
I’ve acted such a fool.
I’ve been operating under the constructs of a romantic relationship with this man, giving and receiving much more than I have ever given any supposed ‘friend’, based on whispers of manipulative assurance and lies of omission (and often outright lies) that didn’t line up with his actions at all. I’ve done this all in the name of growth and consciousness expansion while he’s lied point blank to my face and been insincere, greedy and dishonest for months, perhaps longer. How utterly irresponsible of me.
He’s recently told me I am the love of his life, declined advances from people by declaring that his heart belongs to me and has for a long time, and has been sleeping with me. We’ve talked of babies and marriage and remain bonded in chemistry thick enough I can barely see through it. Even as I have sought to end romantic relations with him he’s consistently resisted and acted out in protest. Yet, I am assured to be a ‘friend’ to him, to someone who is clear about having strong feelings for him with whom he has recent history. It’s been a source of profound tension and distress for me, and I’ve often felt insulted.
I kept telling myself to be a ‘bigger’ person and to accept things how they were, even though they were hurtful. I wrote numerous pep talks for myself about growing past what I wanted, what I felt was right for me, changing my standards. It was all bullshit. I allowed his constant refusal to listen to me about this to mean that my feelings must have been wrong. That the respect, and the honesty I wanted was wrong.
I am hurt by the mixed signals, distressed and suspicious of the vagueness, and I always have been. I am angry about the defensive wall that is put up every time I’ve attempted to address this triad with him – even simply that it exists. I am saddened and confused by the inconsistency with which he represents our relationship. I am frustrated by his persistent unwillingness to recognize my feelings, my warnings, about these discomforts I’ve had, even when I’ve been in tears over them.
I’ve been met with a constant standoff about any details regarding his relationship with her. I am furious with his resistence to owning his actions as precipitating the tensions between the three of us, and his excuses. I am sick of being lead on and sick of watching him lead her on like we’re both fucking stupid.
I’ve been involved in a shadow what I want for myself since he approached me in April wanting to rebuild our relationship. I’ve trusted that whatever we ended up having would build trust and strength and be celebrated honestly and be protected. That’s not the case, and it hasn’t been for a long time. I’ve been utterly played.
And yet there I’ve been, still giving this guy my all, gut wrenched and walking on eggshells.
It’s always something, isn’t it. A mutual interest. A book. A text message from across the country. Some clothes. I break free, but there is always something to grapple to, and get the hooks back in me.
[singlepic id=1141 w=300]
Enough. I’m finished being this person.
EDIT: Turns out he’s been fucking us both consistently for a year, and is also screwing someone else he’s been lying to us about. Awesome.