ANNIVERSARY: NAME DAY

Every year, google calendar reminds me that June 27th is my Name Day. Unlike my birthday, which is a passive obligation based in celebrating something I had very little to do with, my name day brings me a sense of pride and reverence for myself and the work I have done to actualize my own […]

Belonging

I used to think I would never find a place I belonged. The lonliness filled me to the point that for a long time I didn’t even have the energy to wander anymore, looking for it, literally or figuratively. I’d talk myself out of going anywhere I felt I might find my place before the […]

ANNIVERSARY: Name Day

Simultaneously like yesterday, yet longer ago than it seems, I was about two months into Year of the Nee, my official year of celibacy and no intoxicants. I’d come to embark upon that decision in large part due to my romantic relationships and the patterns I had seen in them, one of those patterns being […]

Achievement Unlocked: Year of the Nee

Commonly, upon achieving some sort of long term goal, a leader is supposed to have some sort of rousing speech full of pithy insights and inspiring prose. But what of long-term goals that ultimately involve only the leader? Who are those speeches really for, anyway? In short: I don’t have a speech or a big […]

Fluid

Identity. It’s ideally supposed to be fluid, but not too fluid. Stable, but not stagnant. A means of psychic survival, context, and reference. A way to form and rationalize our routines and habits. A way to garner an illusion of a security and control in ones experience, and view of, life. Part of my approach […]

Tiny dreams hit the road

As part of Year of the Nee, I’ve recognized a few things about myself that I’d discovered at one time and then lost again. Things like an affinity for dinosaurs, and reading fantasy and sci-fi books. I’ve also gotten back to music by making a very focused album (the whole thing is about patriarchy) in […]

bobbing cork in a bucket

On one hand, my ‘fuck the bucket’ epiphany (and artistic ritual) was really valuable to align myself with a deeper knowledge. Taking into account that myself, crabs who snip at my heels, and the crabs whose heels I am compelled to snip, were never meant to be in a fucking bucket in the first place […]

Valentines 2015

“I am too intelligent, too demanding, and too resourceful for anyone to be able to take charge of me entirely. No one knows me or loves me completely. I have only myself” ― Simone de Beauvoir This Year of the Nee valentines day, I am celebrating myself, my accomplishments, my efforts, and the fruits of […]

Say Something

“Some are quick to use the crabs in a bucket trope, but it’s important to remember that crabs were never meant to be piled in a bucket.” – Ryan Dalton Fuck your fucking bucket. Fuck your fucking fear. Fuck you for trying to keep me in it with you. Fuck you for trying to hold […]

“Love is challenging in all its forms. Familial love, love in friendship, love in romance. Love in our relationships with ourselves. There are all sorts of definitions for love, all sorts of ideas about what love is. In All About Love, bell hooks talks about love as “the will to extend one’s self for the […]

Finding Amanda: An internet love story

Amanda Palmer and Courtnee Fallon Rex Photographed by Steve Kuhn The Art of Asking Book Tour. Sat, November 22, 2014. First Unitarian Church – Los Angeles When I was young, I thought I had all the answers. Or at least, I thought I knew the problems, the deeper causes of the things I was seeing […]

Bad/failed relationships? READ THIS.

Oof. This AMAZING article is saying all the stuff I’m living but hadn’t articulated yet. Preparing us for marriage is, ideally, an educational task that falls on culture as a whole. We have stopped believing in dynastic marriages. We are starting to see the drawbacks of Romantic marriages. Now comes the time for psychological marriages. […]

PTSD no moe

EXPERIMENT: Cognitive Process Therapy to address nearly 30 years of a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Fin. Here are the results.

In black and white.

As some of you may know, part of my Year of the Nee (my year of celibacy and no intoxicants) that I began in May (Half way!! WOOO!) included seeking out a more formalized psychotherapy approach. In doing so, I ended up at the Sexual Assault and Traumatic Stress unit at Harborview with a diagnosis, […]

I own a bladder full of dead people

So I have this solar plexus that usually has a big black tar knot in it. Rarely in my life have I not had that knot, and the times it’s seemed to have melted off were times of extreme gladness — new relationships, summer vacations, purring warmly on the beach — of intimacy and of […]

Experiment: Daily Post-it challenge

Challenge: A post-it sketch in ballpoint for every day in August. Duration: One month Compendious Result: Fine for 8 days, then trainwreck failure — and I’m ok with that. This was one of many, many production challenges I’ve given myself over the years, none of which I’ve completed fully. It is said in most circles […]

V

Sometimes, I remember what it was like to let someone who knew me hold me. Conjugated, wordless. Someone who watched me churn and struggle with you and cry so hard I choked on myself. Cry so hard my face felt like it was going to fill and burst with blood and fall off. Sometimes, I […]

Year Of The Nee: 2.5 months

Today, I experienced that moment, when you find out you have unlimited mental health visits. There were tears. Today, I also experienced the facilitation of my first Grief Recovery Method practice group, an 8 week course I began teaching this evening. I was really stunned at how knowledgable I am about the realities of grief […]

Experiment: The June of Noncomplaint

The challenge: Stop complaining The duration: A whole month Compendious Result: Moderate success! I complain less, have an idea of the difference between social/productive complaints and the sticky grumpymaking kind, and am generally content to not only think less caustic-denouncingly, but express less of it too. Yep. My goal, was to not complain for a […]

New Holiday: June 27, name day

Seared scallops, roasted garlic, crispy kale, heirloom tomatoes and avocado slices in a miso and butter broth with fresh lemon. Created by me, for me, to celebrate a day I became more me. Also; I had an ice cream cone. :D

What’s in a name?

Identity. So, everything, basically. Yesterday I started the transition of my identity from Courtnee Fallon Papastathis to Courtnee Fallon Rex. I tried this name on briefly a while back when I was messing around with choosing one that left me harder to search for but also somewhat easy to recognize. Interestingly, the email account I […]

Year of the Nee: 1 down, 11 to go.

It’s been just over a month since I began my year of celibacy and no intoxicants, coupled with the lesser goals of avoiding sugar and not cutting my hair, for the purpose of supporting and providing a foundation to integrate the metaphysical growth spurt I am going through. The celibacy and lack of substances has […]

“The reason I’m stronger is that I’ve done the work.” – nee

Brenè Brown: A Video Walkthrough.

“Maybe stories are just data with a soul.” -Brené Brown I shared this 2010 TED speech long ago, and longer still before that, and I will keep periodically sharing and adding new talks as Brenè continues in her incredible work. Her follow-up from 2012 is awesome, too, and reminds me of many, many things I’ve […]

May Day, official start date of YotN

Interestingly enough, I chose May 1st as the official start date of “Year of the Nee” basically a whim. It made sense to start at the beginning of a month, and I wanted to give myself a couple days to get in any last drinks I wanted to (turns out I didn’t need that, after […]