That one time rape made me racist

When I was in my early-20’s, I spent some time as an escort. In that time, I had many lovely experiences, some weird experiences, some forgettable experiences, and some gross experiences; three particular gross experiences with Asian clients, which seemed a notable pattern, and one awful one (which ended my career) wherein an Asian man […]

V

Sometimes, I remember what it was like to let someone who knew me hold me. Conjugated, wordless. Someone who watched me churn and struggle with you and cry so hard I choked on myself. Cry so hard my face felt like it was going to fill and burst with blood and fall off. Sometimes, I […]

What’s in a name?

Identity. So, everything, basically. Yesterday I started the transition of my identity from Courtnee Fallon Papastathis to Courtnee Fallon Rex. I tried this name on briefly a while back when I was messing around with choosing one that left me harder to search for but also somewhat easy to recognize. Interestingly, the email account I […]

Birthrights: An exploration of Transition

Photograph by Scott Steffy, 2013 Introduction I have an idea for a studio photo series which would be different than anything I’ve done before, involving taking images of (LOTS OF OTHER) people, who have given birth. I’m curious if my mother friends would be interested in being a part of realizing it. Synopsis Here are […]

The present past

I’m conflicted about publishing this. It’s long been hidden in the drafts section of neevita, offline since phuqed.org slipped quietly into the night, like most of the stuff I wrote about back then. There are rape triggers and erotic elements. It’s difficult subject matter and I expect that isn’t limited to how I am reacting […]

Yesterday, I believed I never would have done, what I did today.

Gatekeeper covering Lisa

Holy shit. It’s Liddell. I don’t know if anyone else can hear it but me. She started taking over at 1:30, and letting go around 3:45. Though it was seamless and natural while I did it, I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard to something I’ve recorded before in my life as I realized […]