On minimization as patriarchal reflex

To follow up on that post about at least starting to learn about something that is painfully obvious to women: patriarchy inflicts the stress of constant bodily vigilance at best and acute terror at worse: All the comments were amazing. So many stood out, like those that reported on strategies for increasing safety in taxis. […]

#triggerwarning #mentalhealth

#triggerwarning #mentalhealth I’ve been struggling badly with my mental health since last fall. It’s been pretty awful in general, and then the small shred of resource and sanity I felt I had — my van/house/freedom — did what vanhousefreedom things do when they have 204,000 miles on them, and started breaking things. Expensive things. While […]

Well, here we are again.

After some time keeping my head barely above water, my hearts busted open into a suck wound of fuzzies and my brain is linking up solutions again. Good night!  What will I wake up to, though? Ugh, I hate waking up. Maybe that adjustment today worked, but I can’t know until I sleep how things […]

Serendipitous gifts

“The role of the artist is exactly the same as the role of the lover. If I love you, I have to make you conscious of the things you don’t see.” James Baldwin Just now, I texted everyone I have a current iMessage conversation with “Thank you for being human with me”. It is because […]

Belonging

I used to think I would never find a place I belonged. The lonliness filled me to the point that for a long time I didn’t even have the energy to wander anymore, looking for it, literally or figuratively. I’d talk myself out of going anywhere I felt I might find my place before the […]

Beauty in the Breakdown

I had come to the title for this piece while it was in progress a couple weeks ago. It’s fitting that I finally finished it today, which was largely spent processing through a complex and incredibly irrational emotional trigger. I figured it out, and figured a few side notes out, too. Like that my ex […]

PTSD no moe

EXPERIMENT: Cognitive Process Therapy to address nearly 30 years of a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Fin. Here are the results.

Full Circle

For many idealistic years, I vehemently declared that I would never, ever step foot in LA, certainly never to perform on a stage. Nope. And at one time, I fiercely convinced myself I hated Amanda Palmers guts, too. This Saturday not only am I going to LA (for like a third time now.. shhhh), this […]

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.” – Juliette Lewis

“How we call down judgment upon ourselves is simultaneously the most horrific and the most beautiful thing about us.” — Zadie Smith

“Do not fall in love with people like me. I will kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth. I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave, you will finally understand, why storms are […]

Listening: The Secondary Trauma.

“If you are a man who is becoming upset/depressed/overwhelmed/hopeless/defensive when you listen to the women in the world/your life talk about their experiences, you need to talk about it. With another man. I really, really mean this. You absolutely need to talk to another guy. A guy you are friends with and who you trust […]

What’s in a name?

Identity. So, everything, basically. Yesterday I started the transition of my identity from Courtnee Fallon Papastathis to Courtnee Fallon Rex. I tried this name on briefly a while back when I was messing around with choosing one that left me harder to search for but also somewhat easy to recognize. Interestingly, the email account I […]

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again.” – Pema Chödrön

Sketchbook update

First page with color in my tiny sketchbook. It will be full by summer, I’m betting.

EMFUCKINGBODIED

I swear I just saw myself for the first time I told myself in the mirror As I cried after connecting so incredibly profoundly with multiple people (And once again meeting another incredible man I can’t have in my life like I would prefer, god damn stupid growth opportunities) “You are.. An amazing woman. And […]

Solidarity

I had a get last night. A pretty big one. A few of them really, but one in particular that brought about a bit of an ‘ugh’ along with the ‘ah ha!’. It came about while reading the rather surprisingly amazing comments on this post, about a female artist who creates a series of self […]

Brothers: A tale of two sons

The game itself was equally amazing.

When I was just a little girl…

Want to help me flesh out some specifics from a scene in my newest show? Please respond with what immediately comes to mind when presented with the phrase “Inner Child”. Mine was: Inconvenient asshole.

SEAF 2013

Disclaimer: After a long week on my feet, I am a bit fried mentally, more than a bit exhausted physically, and yet still rather awake and energetic. My creativity is in the shitter, though, so if you’re hoping for poetry unfortunately I doubt you’ll find much this time. You will, however, find a blog entry […]

Looking out for #1

The last year has been… hard. The last few weeks… have reminded me that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall into place. New client this morning, local 360 lunch and shopping for tea and sexkitten pretties with David, currently sipping sangria while awaiting a prescreening of Pacific Rim (mech vs. godzilla) […]

Violence and Silence: Jackson Katz, Ph.D

Everything about this video is Good Shit. Everything.

Meeting the maker

I’m pretty sure I’m at another one of those places in my life where a big internal shift is about to click into place after multiple weeks of limping around funny, like when every step hurts your ankle because the bones aren’t lining up quite right. I am transforming. It is intense and embarrassing and […]

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou

Yesterday, I believed I never would have done, what I did today.