me, Clayton, rape.

me, Clayton, rape. It wasn’t rape because that’s what he growled at me the first time he overwhelmed and coerced me when I’d just said I wanted to wait before we started having sex together. It wasn’t rape because he’d only gone down on me and fingered me and heroically resisted sticking his cock in […]

FuckYouDelete

It’s become so amazing to me how much commonly-accepted forms of dialogue are just flat out silencing, erasing, entitled fucking bullshit. Not long ago I would feel ‘irrationally’ slighted over it, and blame my ‘damage’ for my ‘sensitivity’ and wonder what was wrong with me. Fuck that noise. I ain’t internalizing that manipulative crap anymore. […]

That one time rape made me racist

When I was in my early-20’s, I spent some time as an escort. In that time, I had many lovely experiences, some weird experiences, some forgettable experiences, and some gross experiences; three particular gross experiences with Asian clients, which seemed a notable pattern, and one awful one (which ended my career) wherein an Asian man […]

These are the places rape culture starts

This is an amazing account of the very real corrosion and trauma that results in loved ones blaming the victim of sexual abuse/assault in the name of trying to make everything ok again. I related to this, and I am glad I got away. http://www.buzzfeed.com/michelletea/my-stepfather-the-peeping-tom

Thanks for that, dude.

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” ― Edmund Burke This Ghomeshi thing, how his friends and community are admitting to knowing he was up to some shit, brings to light some ugly things for me. Ugly things that encouraged me to continue raping in my […]

Full Circle Zita

My signature (nude) aerial silks piece started as a homage to sexual relationship, to not giving up on loving someone, even when you get bucked off. The act began as a physical illustration of the struggle to shed the defenses that bind us, finding strength in being vulnerable, and how sex can contribute to the […]

Revenge of the nerds.

Due to recent experience and lessons therein, I am purposely avoiding reading about the sorority murders or following the story right now. But what’s most interesting about that, is how little I need to follow that story in order to grasp what’s going on. Of all the murmurs I have heard about Elliot, and what […]

Not all Men.

In the usual world, the occasional anomaly Elliot whatshisfucks not withstanding, it seems it’s always the ones who say “I’m not that guy” who fall the hardest when they behave like one; the ones who deny their darkness as from another breed are, of course, the least capable of fessing up and overcoming their embodiments […]

Regarding Elliot

“Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” – Margaret Atwood.

The infirmary

Injured, fed, home. Playing the walking dead game, sitting in the perception that there are worse imaginable things I could be going through, like it were a mental stitz bath. This has let me feel something, other than my mental anguish, my how the fuck could they, my I can’t believe this happened, my why […]

Dear slimy guys

Dear all y’all slimy guys, Hi, slimy guys. How the hell are ya. How’s that closet today. I happen to know that, in addition to being slimy (shhh, don’t tell on us), y’all have a lot of other traits, too. Like being smart, and funny, and loyal, and other stuff. I know that deep down, […]

Seeking ambient/interactive performance for Seattle Erotic Art Festival.

Performers! It’s time to start thinking about Seattle Erotic Art Festival! Our Festival dates this year are May 30, 31, and June 1, at the Seattle Center Exhibition Hall. Performance Director, Courtnee Papastathis, wants to collaborate to create performances which explore and express the themes and emotions within the art that is chosen for the […]

EMFUCKINGBODIED

I swear I just saw myself for the first time I told myself in the mirror As I cried after connecting so incredibly profoundly with multiple people (And once again meeting another incredible man I can’t have in my life like I would prefer, god damn stupid growth opportunities) “You are.. An amazing woman. And […]

SEAF 2013

Disclaimer: After a long week on my feet, I am a bit fried mentally, more than a bit exhausted physically, and yet still rather awake and energetic. My creativity is in the shitter, though, so if you’re hoping for poetry unfortunately I doubt you’ll find much this time. You will, however, find a blog entry […]

If London is a watercolor, New York is an oil painting.

“For in that city there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy.” ― Evelyn Waugh The New York subway has its own distinctive scent, like a cocktail of black tar and metal shavings, that I immediately find familiar and comforting every time I retun. You’d think it would mostly smell like […]

The present past

I’m conflicted about publishing this. It’s long been hidden in the drafts section of neevita, offline since phuqed.org slipped quietly into the night, like most of the stuff I wrote about back then. There are rape triggers and erotic elements. It’s difficult subject matter and I expect that isn’t limited to how I am reacting […]

When I can’t sleep

Oh, the things you find in your Scrapbook on DeviantART at 3:20 in the morning.. http://neebow.deviantart.com/art/When-I-can-t-sleep-188293981 (Very NSFW) And something I thought would have been long deleted.. http://neebow.deviantart.com/art/Empire-of-Sadness-56112016 (Might be NSFW) Empire of Sadness, indeed. It’s creepy what shows through in art long before you realize it in reality, and how it takes hindsight to […]

“It is no accident that white masculinity is constructed the way it is in the United States, as European invasion of the Americas required a masculinity that murders, rapes, and enslaves Native and African peoples. It is a masculinity that requires men to be soldiers and conquerors in every aspect of their lives. A masculinity […]

Call to Action: Help us bring you SEAF 2013

Most people who will read this won’t need me to explain what SEAF is, or why it’s important to our community. You know and love the festival in both similar and different ways than I do, and have your own reasons to cherish and support it. Through constant growth, different venues, directions, and focuses, SEAF […]

Sexiest thing I’ve heard from my boyfriend all week: “I’m missing your smoothies right now”. *fans self* Health is HOT.

“Confusing monogamy with morality has done more to destroy the conscience of the human race than any other error.” – George Bernard Shaw

Reality check

The word rape is often associated with a violent assault by a stranger. Although that does happen, the majority of sexual assaults look a bit more like this. What do you see?

SEAF 2011

Thank you to Adam Harrison for shooting this image, and so much to everyone who attended the Seattle Erotic Art Festival and allowed me a window into themselves this weekend. I was ambiently performing both Friday and Saturday evenings on a pedestal. Some of the connections through that mask were absolutely amazing. So many people […]

“Regarding the sex industry: It’s a terrible thing when financial Hardship forces a woman into a demeaning situation. The sex industry has spared many women from that fate” Francesca De Grandis

‎”grief is what we call it when we have experienced love.” – Sophia Sky