#triggerwarning #mentalhealth

#triggerwarning #mentalhealth I’ve been struggling badly with my mental health since last fall. It’s been pretty awful in general, and then the small shred of resource and sanity I felt I had — my van/house/freedom — did what vanhousefreedom things do when they have 204,000 miles on them, and started breaking things. Expensive things. While […]

Revisiting The Rape Song

<a href=”http://courtnee.bandcamp.com/album/keep-going”>Keep Going by Courtnee Fallon Rex (Courtnee Papastathis/Not Applicable)</a> I’m tired of pretending what you did wasn’t rape I’m tired of making creepy shit be ok With me So I’m writing this song Calling you out I’m calling you out I’ve been hoping too long You’d get some help Some psychological help Cause fucking […]

#bloated

I notice my body changing. It happened in my 20’s also, in a specific shift, when I went from being sedentary to active. This time, it’s the other way around. Things are softer and they are settling. I have begun to show my age. I notice it, especially, during the times in my cycle when […]

There is Nowhere

Just south of Green River, Wyoming One thing that nearly a year on the road has shown me: There is nowhere. There is nowhere to go. There is nowhere to outrun patriarchy. There is nowhere to outrun capitalism. Nowhere to feel safe. Nowhere to feel comfortable. It’s gone, along with my blissful ignorance. Anywhere I […]

Milestone acheived: A new mantra

For the last 6 months or so, my self mantra has been “I love myself”. I say it to me randomly, I say it to me when I realize it’s been a while since I said it, I say it to me when I’m sick or feeling badly, I say it out loud in the […]

“Twenty years ago, if you had told me I would be doing what I’m doing now I would have said you’re crazy. There is no way I would have believed you. We each walk a path that is our own. It isn’t always pretty. It can be painful. Messy. Destructive. And we experience things that […]

“It never ceases to amaze me how authors in this field write the wisdoms they most need to read. I write about groundedness, because I have an ungrounded tendency. Many write about being in the now, because they have a tendency to dissociate. Others write about the containment of the ego, because their egos have […]

“Beware of people whose spiritual credentials come from “study.” Look to (don’t follow) the ones who are figuring it out through their experiences, not the experiences of others. These people are born leaders, who probably reject the role of leadership. These people know suffering. They know courage. They have seen battle and survived. Look to […]

At one point in my life, about 10 years ago now, I noticed a little distinction about myself that I commonly re-forget and remember a lot in my fumbling upwards — there was very little difference between being an actual hater, and the person who just strategically and cleverly used the language of haters that […]

I love it here in Mexico

I’m finding I am curious about something, though. When I drove through the tiny ghost towns of New Mexico, the derelict structures both horrified and haunted me. Here, the similar negligence in the buildings has a vibrant life that is hard to explain. Most of these houses would appear abandoned in the states, but none […]

Nearing the Bosque

As is per usual for my cycles of things, I’ve spent the last two weeks or so in a weird funk, anticipating the next stage of my life, which has me leaving the van behind with friends in Texas and traveling to Mexico. “So I’ve noticed a lot of procrastinative anxiety and difficulty articulating the […]

Fluid

Identity. It’s ideally supposed to be fluid, but not too fluid. Stable, but not stagnant. A means of psychic survival, context, and reference. A way to form and rationalize our routines and habits. A way to garner an illusion of a security and control in ones experience, and view of, life. Part of my approach […]

Experiment: The June of Noncomplaint

The challenge: Stop complaining The duration: A whole month Compendious Result: Moderate success! I complain less, have an idea of the difference between social/productive complaints and the sticky grumpymaking kind, and am generally content to not only think less caustic-denouncingly, but express less of it too. Yep. My goal, was to not complain for a […]

An ode to acrimony

https://soundcloud.com/soundofnee/blackasnightsoloeffectsbeta  

Year of the Nee: 1 down, 11 to go.

It’s been just over a month since I began my year of celibacy and no intoxicants, coupled with the lesser goals of avoiding sugar and not cutting my hair, for the purpose of supporting and providing a foundation to integrate the metaphysical growth spurt I am going through. The celibacy and lack of substances has […]

Quite possibly the most difficult aspect of personal growth: Making the hard decision over and over of giving up behavior you’re really fucking masterful at, for weird stuff you don’t know how to do already.

‚ÄúCourage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. […]

“Don’t argue with someone who chooses to remain foolish. Some people want to remain fools, only because the truth requires change.” Tony A. Gaskins Jr

Video: Zita Begins

Performed June 9, 2010 for “There must be something in the Air”, a benefit for Versatile Arts, the aerial gym I call home. The music is from the Batman Begins soundtrack by Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard. Video footage courtesy of Block My Eye Films, which I edited over one insomniatic night. This act […]