#triggerwarning #mentalhealth

#triggerwarning #mentalhealth I’ve been struggling badly with my mental health since last fall. It’s been pretty awful in general, and then the small shred of resource and sanity I felt I had — my van/house/freedom — did what vanhousefreedom things do when they have 204,000 miles on them, and started breaking things. Expensive things. While […]

Say Something

“Some are quick to use the crabs in a bucket trope, but it’s important to remember that crabs were never meant to be piled in a bucket.” – Ryan Dalton Fuck your fucking bucket. Fuck your fucking fear. Fuck you for trying to keep me in it with you. Fuck you for trying to hold […]

Finding Amanda: An internet love story

Amanda Palmer and Courtnee Fallon Rex Photographed by Steve Kuhn The Art of Asking Book Tour. Sat, November 22, 2014. First Unitarian Church – Los Angeles When I was young, I thought I had all the answers. Or at least, I thought I knew the problems, the deeper causes of the things I was seeing […]

“When we have the courage to publicly heal our wounds, our entire community is given greater access to their healing as well.” – Nekole Shapiro

You said I was safe


Cue struggle/recovery phase in which I am frequently brain accosted with the image of being penetrated by a greedy indiscriminate budging phallus slicked with primordial snot and covered in an oppressively thick layer of tiny diseased insects frantically climbing over one another. I am haunted by images like this; Not only was I incapable of […]

Sketchbook update

First page with color in my tiny sketchbook. It will be full by summer, I’m betting.

The infirmary

Injured, fed, home. Playing the walking dead game, sitting in the perception that there are worse imaginable things I could be going through, like it were a mental stitz bath. This has let me feel something, other than my mental anguish, my how the fuck could they, my I can’t believe this happened, my why […]


I had a get last night. A pretty big one. A few of them really, but one in particular that brought about a bit of an ‘ugh’ along with the ‘ah ha!’. It came about while reading the rather surprisingly amazing comments on this post, about a female artist who creates a series of self […]

Still contemplating whether I’m going to act in Minor. I think, maybe, I might be done with that type of acting, and sometimes I wonder if maybe it would be just the right shade of amazing to at least go through the process of auditioning some younger girls for it. I guess the plan is […]

For the love of

What happens when an overworked artist gives herself food poisoning a few days before the gig that she’d planned to rehearse primarily in the days leading up to the event? Well, it means that you do all the rehearsal you’d planned in the afternoon before the evening gig – and this is what it looks […]

The present past

I’m conflicted about publishing this. It’s long been hidden in the drafts section of neevita, offline since phuqed.org slipped quietly into the night, like most of the stuff I wrote about back then. There are rape triggers and erotic elements. It’s difficult subject matter and I expect that isn’t limited to how I am reacting […]

They can’t all be masterpieces.

My jaw is bruised, from practicing too much with a solid-bodied electric violin. Fucker’s heavy. Oh, also; I am learning to play violin. Heh

Reality check

The word rape is often associated with a violent assault by a stranger. Although that does happen, the majority of sexual assaults look a bit more like this. What do you see?

ER visit: expensive, Time off work: Expensive, Medications: Not as expensive as I thought, Waking up ravenous after 15 hours of sleep and sniffing out a 2 day old double chocolate trophy cupcake sitting on my desk and eating the fucking shit out of that fucker: Priceless.

Kitchen knife through the thumbnail

Ah HA! It is not massaging that is messing my wrist up (which was confusing the hell out of me, because I haven’t changed anything I’ve been doing). It’s chopping so many vegetables!

“While you were gone” – Hell hath no fury.

[Audio clip: view full post to listen] I am displeased. I’ve allowed myself to remain deeply involved with someone who claims not to be ‘dating’ anyone, who categorizes me as a ‘friend’ along with everyone else in his life. I’ve allowed him to hide behind semantics and phrasing that I’ve known are bullshit to enable […]