Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Sunday, October 26th, 2014

Words put in my mouth taste like turd. – Courtnee Fallon Rex


Sunday, December 29th, 2013

Drove a convertible across Maui today taking most of the daylight to soak in the road to Hana and a ton of side trails and stops. Wireless access in the Hana Bay yurt we are staying in is better than the Sheraton in which we were charged a $30 a day resort fee for it and the outdoor shower is heavenly. We are shopping too much, sleeping nightly with the windows open, and so far mumbly mcmumbleson has not been mysteriously kicked down the mouth of a live volcano. Thus far this has been exactly what I needed. 7 more days before I am begrudgingly back in Seattle once again attempting to scheme my way to warmer pastures. – Facebook, December 16, 2013

So, basically, Maui is amazing and if you can go there, you should. Even if you think you can’t go there, you should probably rethink it.

Apparently it’s a great starter island (Hawaii is giant and mostly country with only a couple cities, Oahu is basically LA on an Island and who the fuck wants that, and unless you’re Backwoods Mcgee Kauai is probably too remote after a while). So there’s that, and since we didn’t want to spend our trips packing, repacking and dealing with tons of airports, Maui worked out great.

After a few shitty Christmas seasons in Seattle, and periodic bi-yearly or so reminders that, oh, right, I’d never been on a proper tropical vacation, I finally took David up on his offer to remedy that, and he finally took me up on my offer to be the reason he finally went to Hawaii.

This trip was an actual vacation for me; a gloriously vapid, mostly-brainless exercise in laziness, gluttony, and as it turned out, material appropriation. I did not go there to soul search or figure out the deep questions of our life and times as is the normal way of my travels. I went to eat, sleep, swim, look at fishies, eat lots of THC, hang out with one of my special dudes and fuck occasionally. And that’s exactly what I did.

7 days into 10 day Hawaii trip and I presume it safe to say; I firmly believe that fruity, overly sweet tropical drinks surk. I can’t even stand them while on vacation out here, where I hope they are better made than the complimentary premixed maitai Alaska offered us on the inbound flight. I have decided they are simply flat out awful and people who like them are idiots. Fin. – Facebook, December 21 2013

Yep, you heard it here first folks – one of the biggest epiphanies of my trip was I Hate Shitty Drinks. Like whoa, man. Otherwise, when it came to where we would be eating (when not at the resorts, which were, of course, amazing) Yelp came in super handy, so I won’t go on about it all here.

During our 10 day stay, we:

  • Hit up Black Rock Sheraton and Kaanapali Beach Hotel (If in doubt, do Sheraton) for some awesome snorkeling and SNUBA.
  • Took the road to Hana by way of Paia and stayed at Luana Spa Retreat in a yurt which was amazing (but maybe skip the massages, David had to end his halfway through it was so bad).
  • Drove back via the southern route on Piilani Highway where we got all those awesome sunset pictures.
  • Shopped way too fucking much in Lahaina, which is cute as shit and right on the water and I love love loved.
  • Spent two days in Lana’i touring the two Four Seasons resorts and staying at Hotel Lana’i. It was amazing – get the cottage, I imagine there are noise issues in the main hotel, and EAT AT THE GRILL OMFG. We ate dinner there both nights. Best meal I’ve had in a long, long time.
  • Capped off the trip at Makena Golf and Beach resort, in which we played exactly zero golf but hung out naked a lot at Little Beach
  • Afterwhich we missed our outbound flight, and killed another few hours catching lunch at Mamas Fish House, playing on the rocks at the nearby beach, and driving up the top of a mountain I don’t remember the name of.

I have been eating the best tasting, simple, clean burning comfort food of my life since getting here. These people are so onto something.

Spent hours in the ocean today at Hulopo’e, mostly getting the shit kicked out of me, right where the waves break into surf, while laughing my fool ass off. I got sand in everything you can imagine getting sand in, some of which I didn’t discover until later. In fact, after this trip, I think some of my film maker friends really need to make a horror movie about sand herpes, because there is just no way. It’s everywhere. It sticks. I am sure I will end up bringing some home with me.

Rip tides are pretty fun; Fuckers drag you right off the beach if you let em. And I really like having a wet suit. It feels safer to be more floaty.

The sea was a little too expressive to go near the reef or to bring the underwater camera, apparently from the stormfront that’s currently out in the pacific, as yesterday it was calm. Though knocked around a bit, I made it out of the fight unscathed; A particularly husky wave made off with David’s snorkel mask, however.

Sadly, the snorkeling wasn’t worth the loss really – no visibility until you got about 30ft out, then sand bottom and high visibility but not a lot to look at. It was neat to see the bottom move and dust up from the waves in conjunction to how we were moving back and forth in the water, and we happened by a bit of coral with some fish around it. What we really wanted to see – the dolphins – were farther out than I wanted to go, so we only saw them from land. Something about empty, deep, clear tropical water just sings “when you do see something, it’s gonna want to eat you” to me.

Also; The ocean tastes like fucking ASS. Ugh.

Not a lot of trip blogging happening right now, but we are getting some nice pictures and fun little stories. I think I’ll likely be spending my xmas editing photos and writing.


Facebook, December 21, 2013

Well, honestly, the little stories and memories of this trip are far better suited for in person banter, and wouldn’t really come across in blogform, at least with the effort I am willing to put into explaining them after spending all day laying on the couch processing pictures. But I do have tons of those, (mostly photographed by David Cohen, some snapped by me, and all post processed by me) to document the trip and fun things. There’s even a picture of my boobs in there somewhere.

So enjoy those, and like I said, if you haven’t done the Hawaii.. there is a reason people save their entire lives to go there. Unlimited forever thanks to David for sharing his trip with me so I didn’t have to do it that way.


Saturday, November 30th, 2013

I swear I just saw myself for the first time

I told myself in the mirror

As I cried after connecting so incredibly profoundly with multiple people (And once again meeting another incredible man I can’t have in my life like I would prefer, god damn stupid growth opportunities)

“You are..

An amazing woman.

And you will ALWAYS be
An amazing woman.

No matter what
Anyone else thinks.

And when you die,
The world will be a better place

Because you
were in it.”

I am an artist.
And I am fucking amazing
And I am going to get what I want for myself.

Because I am worth it.
And there is no worthier cause than my happiness.

Thank you for showing me what is possible.
And thank you for believing in me.

Home for the holidays

Monday, November 18th, 2013

Behold – video evidence of the show I co-directed and performed in last Friday, the Versatile arts staff show “Home for the Holidays”.

This was a great production to be a part of, and also very stressful. We had one rehearsal before the show, which consisted almost entirely of addressing tech needs. Most of the dialogue and interactions, save for specific cue lines, were improvised to fall in with the story. Bev and I are very fortunate to be working with such talented and creative people – both on this show and in our daily lives at VA.

In the show, myself and Bev play Morgana and Val, distant cousins at a family Thanksgiving. Before this fantasy, they discovered a trunk of whimsical costumes once belonging to Morgana’s ‘mother’ Fanny, long presumed to be a lesbian, who sends them up to the attic to find her old photo album as part of her insisting upon proving that she was once a glamorous trapeze artist when she was younger. Stoned and playful, the girls put matching outfits on, and return to the family function. Eventually they are enthralled and convinced by Fanny’s tales, and once finding themselves in Val’s room alone after the rest of the family has passed out in a food coma, ruminate about the stories and what it must have been like.

This video is an example of the type of completed work I post to my Patreon account. Patrons who have pledged $3 or more per work (I finish about 4 a month currently) get access to a patron-only content stream with additional work and/or behind the scenes goodies – in this case, that means they get to see the video of the hilarious attic scene where my counterpart and I get stoned and change clothes.

Join us yourself here, read about how patreon works here.

Woman Laughing Alone With Salad

Wednesday, June 19th, 2013

Photographed by Mute Photo Concept in Stockholm, Sweden

Thursday, November 8th, 2012

Sometimes you just gotta get a little tipsy, smoke some weed, make a little music and watch a fuckin’ action movie. Ya know?

Safe House is SNAPPY so far. Woooo!

Tuesday, September 18th, 2012

I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

Friday, August 17th, 2012

“Your relentless political Facebook posts finally turned me to your way of thinking”

Said no one. Ever.

Sunday, April 15th, 2012

I sleep super weird with a gut full of steak and cherries.

Monday, April 2nd, 2012

Thursday, March 29th, 2012

“It’s really hard to hate someone for being different
when you’re too busy laughing together.”

-George Takei

Friday, March 2nd, 2012

“I love it when I crack my back downing alcohol”

Friday, January 27th, 2012

“Someone needs to tell Newt that the nomination has cancer, so he’ll leave it.” – reddit

Thursday, June 2nd, 2011

Beets yesterday + aunt flo = technicolor morning.

Monday, April 18th, 2011

Oh, that clarifying moment when you realize although most of it is still good, its not worth picking the slimey leaves out of that unopened spinach bag.

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011

I want to swipe the heads off of the people who are bullying Rebecca Black, and the “producers” that put her up to making such a godawful music video. That metal version of “Friday” is fucking funny, though.

Thursday, December 9th, 2010

IV: “Oh holy good god shit I’m gonna fucking di– .. Oh yeah. Beets.”

Sunday, September 12th, 2010

ER visit: expensive, Time off work: Expensive, Medications: Not as expensive as I thought, Waking up ravenous after 15 hours of sleep and sniffing out a 2 day old double chocolate trophy cupcake sitting on my desk and eating the fucking shit out of that fucker: Priceless.

Monday, August 16th, 2010

“I have a mohawk and some ideas.”

Sunday, July 4th, 2010

I have created: Hummus! And it is ridiculously awesome. Screw you, dried dogshit paste, otherwise known as tahini! I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone! Mwuahahaha!! MWUAHAHAHA!!!

Friday, June 25th, 2010

WTF, Hersheys, even your pure cocoa powder tastes like satan piss. How DO you do it?

Saturday, May 29th, 2010

“I am in a leaky boat, knitting a sweater and doing card tricks. If I spend my time doing card tricks, which is what I love, the boat will sink and I will freeze. If I only knit, I won’t get to do card tricks, and the boat will sink. If I only bail water out of the boat, I’ll freeze to death, and no more card tricks. So… I bail a while, then knit some, and every so often, put on a show.” – Sam Longoria

Get in muh belly!

Sunday, March 21st, 2010

More here

M&M concept by photographer David Lydon. Art direction by Kirsten Lauzon. I got to lay there and have candy stuck to me.

Sunday, March 14th, 2010

As a manager you have to choose whether you will be a shit funnel or a shit umbrella- @finderic

Night Zero

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

A photographic novel of the post-apocalypse
Just stumbled upon this after a friend posted some pictures of himself in it, and I’m not sure how I’ve gone so long without knowing about it. What a fun concept, it must be really rewarding to work on a project like that. Congrats to Dan!