Posts Tagged ‘good stuff’

In black and white.

Wednesday, November 5th, 2014

As some of you may know, part of my Year of the Nee (my year of celibacy and no intoxicants) that I began in May (Half way!! WOOO!) included seeking out a more formalized psychotherapy approach.

In doing so, I ended up at the Sexual Assault and Traumatic Stress unit at Harborview with a diagnosis, finally, of clinical PTSD, engaging in Cognitive Process Therapy since June. (They are amazing, and I highly recommend them).

I’ve filled out many surveys, usually every couple of weeks, tracking my PTSD, Anxiety and Depression symptoms. I’ve completed many worksheets and modules, made improvements, and things were kind of clicking, but it wasn’t quite.. complete, seeming. I still felt like my wheels were spinning for some reason, and even with all my supplemental healing strategies, I was water logged.

In my third post in my series about rape culture on Medium (the one that goes into how I am healing from it), I talk a little bit about having to be willing to be lonely. To be willing to cut people out of my life who don’t align with what I’m discovering are my core values.

I’ve had to do this multiple times — when I quit doing drugs was one of the biggest, because at that time in my life, my friend base was based on basing. I had to start over, and it was fucking scary. But.. I found new friends. Good friends. People who are still my friends, after many a transformation since.

What you’re seeing above is my depressive symptom graph. The spike is the sprint time period in which I was desperately attempting to keep engaged with the last of the rape culture intimates in my life. The last throes of my incredulousness as to where he stood. The drop is when I finally picked up my jacket, walked away, and didn’t look back.

Not everyone has the gift of this kind of visual feedback in their process. Even as I’ve felt my fog lift, even as I’ve settled into my sense of self that I have, even with how clear I have been about being done with that relationship, seeing this visually was incredibly profound.

Maybe you’re in a struggle right now. Maybe you’re trying to find your way out of something, surrounded by people you know aren’t good for you, people whose positive traits you’re weighing over your own needs, people you know in your soul are bringing you down and holding you back.

For you, and for those like you, I wanted to post this, in black and white.

You are worth dropping the cement blocks that keep dragging your face under the water.

You are worth that.


Sunday, December 29th, 2013

Drove a convertible across Maui today taking most of the daylight to soak in the road to Hana and a ton of side trails and stops. Wireless access in the Hana Bay yurt we are staying in is better than the Sheraton in which we were charged a $30 a day resort fee for it and the outdoor shower is heavenly. We are shopping too much, sleeping nightly with the windows open, and so far mumbly mcmumbleson has not been mysteriously kicked down the mouth of a live volcano. Thus far this has been exactly what I needed. 7 more days before I am begrudgingly back in Seattle once again attempting to scheme my way to warmer pastures. – Facebook, December 16, 2013

So, basically, Maui is amazing and if you can go there, you should. Even if you think you can’t go there, you should probably rethink it.

Apparently it’s a great starter island (Hawaii is giant and mostly country with only a couple cities, Oahu is basically LA on an Island and who the fuck wants that, and unless you’re Backwoods Mcgee Kauai is probably too remote after a while). So there’s that, and since we didn’t want to spend our trips packing, repacking and dealing with tons of airports, Maui worked out great.

After a few shitty Christmas seasons in Seattle, and periodic bi-yearly or so reminders that, oh, right, I’d never been on a proper tropical vacation, I finally took David up on his offer to remedy that, and he finally took me up on my offer to be the reason he finally went to Hawaii.

This trip was an actual vacation for me; a gloriously vapid, mostly-brainless exercise in laziness, gluttony, and as it turned out, material appropriation. I did not go there to soul search or figure out the deep questions of our life and times as is the normal way of my travels. I went to eat, sleep, swim, look at fishies, eat lots of THC, hang out with one of my special dudes and fuck occasionally. And that’s exactly what I did.

7 days into 10 day Hawaii trip and I presume it safe to say; I firmly believe that fruity, overly sweet tropical drinks surk. I can’t even stand them while on vacation out here, where I hope they are better made than the complimentary premixed maitai Alaska offered us on the inbound flight. I have decided they are simply flat out awful and people who like them are idiots. Fin. – Facebook, December 21 2013

Yep, you heard it here first folks – one of the biggest epiphanies of my trip was I Hate Shitty Drinks. Like whoa, man. Otherwise, when it came to where we would be eating (when not at the resorts, which were, of course, amazing) Yelp came in super handy, so I won’t go on about it all here.

During our 10 day stay, we:

  • Hit up Black Rock Sheraton and Kaanapali Beach Hotel (If in doubt, do Sheraton) for some awesome snorkeling and SNUBA.
  • Took the road to Hana by way of Paia and stayed at Luana Spa Retreat in a yurt which was amazing (but maybe skip the massages, David had to end his halfway through it was so bad).
  • Drove back via the southern route on Piilani Highway where we got all those awesome sunset pictures.
  • Shopped way too fucking much in Lahaina, which is cute as shit and right on the water and I love love loved.
  • Spent two days in Lana’i touring the two Four Seasons resorts and staying at Hotel Lana’i. It was amazing – get the cottage, I imagine there are noise issues in the main hotel, and EAT AT THE GRILL OMFG. We ate dinner there both nights. Best meal I’ve had in a long, long time.
  • Capped off the trip at Makena Golf and Beach resort, in which we played exactly zero golf but hung out naked a lot at Little Beach
  • Afterwhich we missed our outbound flight, and killed another few hours catching lunch at Mamas Fish House, playing on the rocks at the nearby beach, and driving up the top of a mountain I don’t remember the name of.

I have been eating the best tasting, simple, clean burning comfort food of my life since getting here. These people are so onto something.

Spent hours in the ocean today at Hulopo’e, mostly getting the shit kicked out of me, right where the waves break into surf, while laughing my fool ass off. I got sand in everything you can imagine getting sand in, some of which I didn’t discover until later.┬áIn fact, after this trip, I think some of my film maker friends really need to make a horror movie about sand herpes, because there is just no way. It’s everywhere. It sticks. I am sure I will end up bringing some home with me.

Rip tides are pretty fun; Fuckers drag you right off the beach if you let em. And I really like having a wet suit. It feels safer to be more floaty.

The sea was a little too expressive to go near the reef or to bring the underwater camera, apparently from the stormfront that’s currently out in the pacific, as yesterday it was calm. Though knocked around a bit, I made it out of the fight unscathed; A particularly husky wave made off with David’s snorkel mask, however.

Sadly, the snorkeling wasn’t worth the loss really – no visibility until you got about 30ft out, then sand bottom and high visibility but not a lot to look at. It was neat to see the bottom move and dust up from the waves in conjunction to how we were moving back and forth in the water, and we happened by a bit of coral with some fish around it. What we really wanted to see – the dolphins – were farther out than I wanted to go, so we only saw them from land. Something about empty, deep, clear tropical water just sings “when you do see something, it’s gonna want to eat you” to me.

Also; The ocean tastes like fucking ASS. Ugh.

Not a lot of trip blogging happening right now, but we are getting some nice pictures and fun little stories. I think I’ll likely be spending my xmas editing photos and writing.


Facebook, December 21, 2013

Well, honestly, the little stories and memories of this trip are far better suited for in person banter, and wouldn’t really come across in blogform, at least with the effort I am willing to put into explaining them after spending all day laying on the couch processing pictures. But I do have tons of those, (mostly photographed by David Cohen, some snapped by me, and all post processed by me) to document the trip and fun things. There’s even a picture of my boobs in there somewhere.

So enjoy those, and like I said, if you haven’t done the Hawaii.. there is a reason people save their entire lives to go there. Unlimited forever thanks to David for sharing his trip with me so I didn’t have to do it that way.

Home for the holidays

Monday, November 18th, 2013

Behold – video evidence of the show I co-directed and performed in last Friday, the Versatile arts staff show “Home for the Holidays”.

This was a great production to be a part of, and also very stressful. We had one rehearsal before the show, which consisted almost entirely of addressing tech needs. Most of the dialogue and interactions, save for specific cue lines, were improvised to fall in with the story. Bev and I are very fortunate to be working with such talented and creative people – both on this show and in our daily lives at VA.

In the show, myself and Bev play Morgana and Val, distant cousins at a family Thanksgiving. Before this fantasy, they discovered a trunk of whimsical costumes once belonging to Morgana’s ‘mother’ Fanny, long presumed to be a lesbian, who sends them up to the attic to find her old photo album as part of her insisting upon proving that she was once a glamorous trapeze artist when she was younger. Stoned and playful, the girls put matching outfits on, and return to the family function. Eventually they are enthralled and convinced by Fanny’s tales, and once finding themselves in Val’s room alone after the rest of the family has passed out in a food coma, ruminate about the stories and what it must have been like.

This video is an example of the type of completed work I post to my Patreon account. Patrons who have pledged $3 or more per work (I finish about 4 a month currently) get access to a patron-only content stream with additional work and/or behind the scenes goodies – in this case, that means they get to see the video of the hilarious attic scene where my counterpart and I get stoned and change clothes.

Join us yourself here, read about how patreon works here.

Good days

Sunday, November 17th, 2013

Today, I said goodbye to my Taylor 114ce guitar, which has been lovingly callousing my fingers on behalf of my dear friend Jonathan since 2008. I traded her for a Mitchell acoustic/electric ukulele, as well as a Mitchell acoustic/electric thin line guitar, both of which feel amazing and sound great.

It was time, and I feel really good about it. I kept the Taylor case to remind me of the gift and all the loveliness that guitar brought into my life. It got me through some pretty hard times.

I’ve had a few good days lately. On Friday, a show I had been looking forward to for the last few months turned out really well, despite some rehearsal challenges. I’m currently encoding the video so I can distribute the evidence around.

The day after that, this happened, and I was finally able to write about this, too. Oh, and I found my minature sketchbook I thought I had lost.

I am looking even more forward to my first house concert for Craig and Mark at the end of the month, now. :)

Life is good.

Sunday, November 11th, 2012

Guess who’s the subject matter of the first posts on the front page, photography, visual art, and music sections of The Nonsense Society right now?

Thursday, November 8th, 2012

Sometimes you just gotta get a little tipsy, smoke some weed, make a little music and watch a fuckin’ action movie. Ya know?

Safe House is SNAPPY so far. Woooo!