Posts Tagged ‘ego’

Four of my favorite words

Sunday, May 15th, 2011

“You blew my mind”.

It’s most often difficult for me to accept that I have a fan base, and I think part of the reason I stay small is the fear surrounding embracing that and what kind of person that makes me. For me to think of myself as a person with fans… I just cringe at the size my ego must be and how much work it would take to keep it appropriately inflated. I know there are people out there with healthy esteem who could recognize fandom without fucking it up somehow but that doesn’t feel like something I have the wisdom to do yet. I’m not ready to handle fame gracefully.

And then I remember, that wisdom is what I’m cultivating in my life right now. Bringing feeling intuition into perspective, reevaluating how much hold I allow it to have on what makes my reality. I read back on that second paragraph up there, and I already don’t agree with myself. I already think it’s silly to be afraid of success like that.

So let me say this, as deeply and sincerely as I ever have; Thank you so much to the fans of my work. I am really blessed to have the kind of encouragement and support I have from the people who’ve noticed what I’m up to in life. You consistently overwhelm and fuel me in ways I couldn’t ever comprehend asking for. Thank you so much for being so generous toward me with your praise.

I can feel another layer of the gnarled, debilitating onion I carry around in my guts being peeled off like a piece of scotch tape against a hairy arm. That’s what sharing my stories with you does for me. That’s the kind of inner work you enable me to accomplish by allowing me into your lives the way you do. It’s inexplicable pure soul sharing and it goes both ways.

I have worked so FUCKING hard peeling at this thing inside me that was fucking my life up, fucking up how I thought, fucking up how I was capable of seeing the world, how I was capable of being with people. I’ve learned so much. And now I use my hard won abilities from that experience to come to meet, and stimulate, the hearts in others.

‘The task of art is to turn tears into knowledge’ – Schopenhauer

I shift lives. That’s what I’ve done with the desperate, massive mindfuck of a place that I came from. I earned this. I want to be doing this. I want to be this person. And I embrace and accept every beautiful thing I was told because of Friday night. Thank you so very much to all the guests and performers who made it an utterly amazing, transformative experience.

I see you guys. Thank you for letting me know you’re watching. I’ll keep on sharing and I’ll keep on kicking ass. For me. And for you.