Borderline



In the beginning, the plan for Year of the Kat was to get on medication. That, thus far, has not come to pass, mainly due to the runaround and wait times in seeing a psychiatrist meaning I had one single appointment before I left on tour (in which the psyche questioned whether I needed medication […]

#hotline

Lately, I have been very raw and sensitive and emotionally reactive. Being that way comes with effects, which include being oversensitive to damaging others. Things like feeling really gutted for days if I unintentionally hurt someones feelings, and digging too hard into myself to look for subconscious sinister motivation, when I forget or misconstrue boundaries […]

Brought to you by Instagram

I’ve been observably manic since last week, and my appointment with my social worker was canceled this week. I’ve fallen into the online social justice trap after a successful march on Sunday where I stepped into the opportunity to utilize my skills and street medic, expecting that I would have the aftercare of a therapy […]

#triggerwarning #mentalhealth

#triggerwarning #mentalhealth I’ve been struggling badly with my mental health since last fall. It’s been pretty awful in general, and then the small shred of resource and sanity I felt I had — my van/house/freedom — did what vanhousefreedom things do when they have 204,000 miles on them, and started breaking things. Expensive things. While […]

Well, here we are again.

After some time keeping my head barely above water, my hearts busted open into a suck wound of fuzzies and my brain is linking up solutions again. Good night!  What will I wake up to, though? Ugh, I hate waking up. Maybe that adjustment today worked, but I can’t know until I sleep how things […]

Revisiting The Rape Song

<a href=”http://courtnee.bandcamp.com/album/keep-going”>Keep Going by Courtnee Fallon Rex (Courtnee Papastathis/Not Applicable)</a> I’m tired of pretending what you did wasn’t rape I’m tired of making creepy shit be ok With me So I’m writing this song Calling you out I’m calling you out I’ve been hoping too long You’d get some help Some psychological help Cause fucking […]

Thanks for giving: a shit. 

Third rockin’ass orgasm of the day. Enjoying the hell out of my solo day-long water fast. Fuck your oppressive shitass holidays. — https://instagram.com/p/BNNjpf5hffd/ Water fasting as of midnight last night. Had no idea when I decided to do this a year ago, take the next step in personally divesting from the lies and the cognitive […]

I think.

If love is wishing for others what you would wish for yourself, if it is protecting others how you would protect yourself, then love is what I am likely to give in most of my moments, and what I have regarded most with in the past. If do unto others is the basis of love, […]

Serendipitous gifts

“The role of the artist is exactly the same as the role of the lover. If I love you, I have to make you conscious of the things you don’t see.” James Baldwin Just now, I texted everyone I have a current iMessage conversation with “Thank you for being human with me”. It is because […]

ANNIVERSARY: NAME DAY

Every year, google calendar reminds me that June 27th is my Name Day. Unlike my birthday, which is a passive obligation based in celebrating something I had very little to do with, my name day brings me a sense of pride and reverence for myself and the work I have done to actualize my own […]

A Cart for Your Invisible Horse

I started really chewing on class accessibility issues in my work about 6 months after I moved from the Medical Dental Building downtown, to the Pioneer Building in Pioneer Square. For those who don’t understand Seattle, that’s basically from the hoity toity business and shopping district to the historic bar crawl and stadium area where […]

Corners Turned

It’s too early to tell precisely. But I suspect I may have stumbled onto something I’d like to do for a while, which helps me to feel less powerless in the world, gets me outside, teaches me to grow food, teaches me about land preservation, restoration, and conservation, shows me how to effectively irrigate using […]

There is Nowhere

Just south of Green River, Wyoming One thing that nearly a year on the road has shown me: There is nowhere. There is nowhere to go. There is nowhere to outrun patriarchy. There is nowhere to outrun capitalism. Nowhere to feel safe. Nowhere to feel comfortable. It’s gone, along with my blissful ignorance. Anywhere I […]

A meditation: New Cage 

The door to the original Pony Express Station, Gothenburg Nebraska. Bipolar disorder, Attachment disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder and Serious Depression are all diagnosis I’ve received at various times in my life.  They all added up symptomatically at the time, but there was always something under the surface that wasn’t touched by those theories. I […]

me, Clayton, rape.

me, Clayton, rape. It wasn’t rape because that’s what he growled at me the first time he overwhelmed and coerced me when I’d just said I wanted to wait before we started having sex together. It wasn’t rape because he’d only gone down on me and fingered me and heroically resisted sticking his cock in […]

HEALING UPDATE: When I am ready, I do NOT fuck around.

^^^^ This is what waking up clean, in a clean bed, that I can stretch out in, looks like. Thank you SO MUCH to my pals Michael and Jill for gifting me with a hotel room last night. I needed it. Lemmie tell ya why: I’ve been coming to a clearing for a while, since […]

ROAD UPDATE: Fort Walton Beach

Originally posted to my Patrons at https://www.patreon.com/posts/4470079 Right now I am hanging out in the van with the side door open, out of the wind but in the sun from my waist down. The temperature is perfect like this, mid 60’s and cloudless, and I still have lots of time left in my day to […]

ROAD UPDATE: Pensacola

Originally posted to my Patreon community at https://www.patreon.com/posts/4413008 Mississippi: OH EM GEE you’re heeeeere omg yay! Here, have a welcome center with all kinda free camping with picnic benches and spigots and shit and a FUCKING NASA SPACE CENTER!! Alabama: Fuck you. Welcome center closed. Florida: Fuck you. Show us your vegetables. Then welcome center, […]

Next up: The Bosque Village

The conversations have been had, the mutual admiration has been expressed, the values and goals are well aligned, the time is right, the action item list is soft drafted. I’ve the plane ticket and the passport renewal submitted in plenty of time (presuming no catastrophic postal issues) and am thus ready to let the population […]

Belonging

I used to think I would never find a place I belonged. The lonliness filled me to the point that for a long time I didn’t even have the energy to wander anymore, looking for it, literally or figuratively. I’d talk myself out of going anywhere I felt I might find my place before the […]

The journey that began thrice

Originally, I was planning to leave for Spokane last Friday, giving myself a whole day to prep for the house show I was to be headlining in Spokane on Saturday. Alas, a 3 hour brake job ended up taking all day long on Thursday, setting me back and causing me to be working late on […]

Beauty in the Breakdown

I had come to the title for this piece while it was in progress a couple weeks ago. It’s fitting that I finally finished it today, which was largely spent processing through a complex and incredibly irrational emotional trigger. I figured it out, and figured a few side notes out, too. Like that my ex […]

Finding Amanda: An internet love story

Amanda Palmer and Courtnee Fallon Rex Photographed by Steve Kuhn The Art of Asking Book Tour. Sat, November 22, 2014. First Unitarian Church – Los Angeles When I was young, I thought I had all the answers. Or at least, I thought I knew the problems, the deeper causes of the things I was seeing […]

PTSD no moe

EXPERIMENT: Cognitive Process Therapy to address nearly 30 years of a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Fin. Here are the results.

Full Circle

For many idealistic years, I vehemently declared that I would never, ever step foot in LA, certainly never to perform on a stage. Nope. And at one time, I fiercely convinced myself I hated Amanda Palmers guts, too. This Saturday not only am I going to LA (for like a third time now.. shhhh), this […]