Meet the woke misogynists. Surprise! They’re pretty much everywhere.

This is my lived reality. With former boyfriends, with former peers in the supposed sex positive/healing communities, with men in the intersectional feminist movement, with lauded teachers and self proclaimed sex healers; Every single fucking feminist woman I know who tries to date men and talks with me about it has been traumatized by this […]

ANNIVERSARY: NAME DAY

Every year, google calendar reminds me that June 27th is my Name Day. Unlike my birthday, which is a passive obligation based in celebrating something I had very little to do with, my name day brings me a sense of pride and reverence for myself and the work I have done to actualize my own […]

me, Clayton, rape.

me, Clayton, rape. It wasn’t rape because that’s what he growled at me the first time he overwhelmed and coerced me when I’d just said I wanted to wait before we started having sex together. It wasn’t rape because he’d only gone down on me and fingered me and heroically resisted sticking his cock in […]

Still pooping on rape culture

So I was told yesterday that comically centering my own nonsexual nudity in any of the constant reminders I post about my patreon existing is disingenuous, because I rail against rape culture.Mmmkay. I was told that it’s ok to use nudity in my art, which I have done for over 20 years, but it’s not […]

Tight Ass

So back in the day, in 2004 or so, when I was married to a Microsoft guy and still had snazzy health care, I finally went to a butt specialist doctorguy to find out why it had bled and hurt every time I took a shit since I was a teenager. It had taken me […]

Belonging

I used to think I would never find a place I belonged. The lonliness filled me to the point that for a long time I didn’t even have the energy to wander anymore, looking for it, literally or figuratively. I’d talk myself out of going anywhere I felt I might find my place before the […]

ANNIVERSARY: Name Day

Simultaneously like yesterday, yet longer ago than it seems, I was about two months into Year of the Nee, my official year of celibacy and no intoxicants. I’d come to embark upon that decision in large part due to my romantic relationships and the patterns I had seen in them, one of those patterns being […]

Achievement Unlocked: Year of the Nee

Commonly, upon achieving some sort of long term goal, a leader is supposed to have some sort of rousing speech full of pithy insights and inspiring prose. But what of long-term goals that ultimately involve only the leader? Who are those speeches really for, anyway? In short: I don’t have a speech or a big […]

Fluid

Identity. It’s ideally supposed to be fluid, but not too fluid. Stable, but not stagnant. A means of psychic survival, context, and reference. A way to form and rationalize our routines and habits. A way to garner an illusion of a security and control in ones experience, and view of, life. Part of my approach […]

Tiny dreams hit the road

As part of Year of the Nee, I’ve recognized a few things about myself that I’d discovered at one time and then lost again. Things like an affinity for dinosaurs, and reading fantasy and sci-fi books. I’ve also gotten back to music by making a very focused album (the whole thing is about patriarchy) in […]

bobbing cork in a bucket

On one hand, my ‘fuck the bucket’ epiphany (and artistic ritual) was really valuable to align myself with a deeper knowledge. Taking into account that myself, crabs who snip at my heels, and the crabs whose heels I am compelled to snip, were never meant to be in a fucking bucket in the first place […]

Valentines 2015

“I am too intelligent, too demanding, and too resourceful for anyone to be able to take charge of me entirely. No one knows me or loves me completely. I have only myself” ― Simone de Beauvoir This Year of the Nee valentines day, I am celebrating myself, my accomplishments, my efforts, and the fruits of […]

Revenge: A feminist manifesto

Patriarchy. I am so fucking angry with you, sometimes I just can’t even. Angry for me. Angry for them. Angry for what I’ve endured because of how you’ve emotionally lobotomized them. Angry for them because of how you taught to me to push them to be big but force them to stay small. Angry for […]

FuckYouDelete

It’s become so amazing to me how much commonly-accepted forms of dialogue are just flat out silencing, erasing, entitled fucking bullshit. Not long ago I would feel ‘irrationally’ slighted over it, and blame my ‘damage’ for my ‘sensitivity’ and wonder what was wrong with me. Fuck that noise. I ain’t internalizing that manipulative crap anymore. […]

Say Something

“Some are quick to use the crabs in a bucket trope, but it’s important to remember that crabs were never meant to be piled in a bucket.” – Ryan Dalton Fuck your fucking bucket. Fuck your fucking fear. Fuck you for trying to keep me in it with you. Fuck you for trying to hold […]

“Love is challenging in all its forms. Familial love, love in friendship, love in romance. Love in our relationships with ourselves. There are all sorts of definitions for love, all sorts of ideas about what love is. In All About Love, bell hooks talks about love as “the will to extend one’s self for the […]

That one time rape made me racist

When I was in my early-20’s, I spent some time as an escort. In that time, I had many lovely experiences, some weird experiences, some forgettable experiences, and some gross experiences; three particular gross experiences with Asian clients, which seemed a notable pattern, and one awful one (which ended my career) wherein an Asian man […]

Finding Amanda: An internet love story

Amanda Palmer and Courtnee Fallon Rex Photographed by Steve Kuhn The Art of Asking Book Tour. Sat, November 22, 2014. First Unitarian Church – Los Angeles When I was young, I thought I had all the answers. Or at least, I thought I knew the problems, the deeper causes of the things I was seeing […]

Bad/failed relationships? READ THIS.

Oof. This AMAZING article is saying all the stuff I’m living but hadn’t articulated yet. Preparing us for marriage is, ideally, an educational task that falls on culture as a whole. We have stopped believing in dynastic marriages. We are starting to see the drawbacks of Romantic marriages. Now comes the time for psychological marriages. […]

PTSD no moe

EXPERIMENT: Cognitive Process Therapy to address nearly 30 years of a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Fin. Here are the results.

Consent is IDEAL

When I came up with Empathic Consent (aka DELI) back in May, one of the things I wrote about was that I had countless opportunities to practice DELI outside of my sex life. Which is good, cause right now I’m celibate and uninterested in romance, and well, every relationship benefits from both parties understanding what’s […]

These are the places rape culture starts

This is an amazing account of the very real corrosion and trauma that results in loved ones blaming the victim of sexual abuse/assault in the name of trying to make everything ok again. I related to this, and I am glad I got away. http://www.buzzfeed.com/michelletea/my-stepfather-the-peeping-tom

In black and white.

As some of you may know, part of my Year of the Nee (my year of celibacy and no intoxicants) that I began in May (Half way!! WOOO!) included seeking out a more formalized psychotherapy approach. In doing so, I ended up at the Sexual Assault and Traumatic Stress unit at Harborview with a diagnosis, […]

Thanks for that, dude.

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” ― Edmund Burke This Ghomeshi thing, how his friends and community are admitting to knowing he was up to some shit, brings to light some ugly things for me. Ugly things that encouraged me to continue raping in my […]

I own a bladder full of dead people

So I have this solar plexus that usually has a big black tar knot in it. Rarely in my life have I not had that knot, and the times it’s seemed to have melted off were times of extreme gladness — new relationships, summer vacations, purring warmly on the beach — of intimacy and of […]