Author Archive

Sunday, April 16th, 2006

I can see your sadness. It’s lovely.

Sunday, April 16th, 2006

yt: Byebye.. sleep good
nee: Actually, I’m going to get up soon.
yt: I said sleep good damnit!
nee: You smell like a girl.
yt: You smell like a Trout.

Sunday, April 16th, 2006

There is a fine line between being “neutral” and being a two faced lying shithead.

Sunday, April 16th, 2006

Let’s just kill everyone and let your God sort them out.

Sunday, April 16th, 2006

Theres a big difference between people that care and people that care once you tell them to care.

Sunday, April 16th, 2006

Friends are the ones who are there when you need them, not the ones who are there when they need you.

Sunday, April 16th, 2006

I lie in an early bed, thinking late thoughts

Sunday, April 16th, 2006

When I open my mouth, I’m so brutally honest, and I can’t expect that kind of love from you.

10 albums that changed my life

Thursday, March 23rd, 2006

It’s the day and age where, not only is music so putridly awful that it’s rare to see an album that’s listenable all the way through, the advances of mp3, iTunes, Pandora and the Internet mean you no longer have to drop $17 for one good song on an album full of total crap. But there were some albums that were worth every penny. These are the “top” 10 that changed my life, or just helped me get through it. There are tons more, but I think these are the most influential, cause they came to mind first.

Hole – Live through this

I liked Pretty on the Inside, but Live through this was the most empowering ass slapping chick rock album I had ever heard or really heard since actually. It was still raw and gritty but not quite so ‘shock jock’ as Pretty on the Inside had been, very listenable, and very inspiring to me. I was gonna form my own band and scream and play guitar because of this album, though I later realized that I’m more suited to soft cooing than screaming any day. I could play the entire album on my fat acoustic pawn shop guitar that was way too big for me front to back and have many excellent memories of doing so. Lollapalooza 95 was all about Hole, my first crowd surfing experience and being groped. It was fucking awesome. God damnit Courtney what the fuck happened to you, girl.

Alice in Chains – Dirt

Want to know what my life was like as a teen? Put this album on repeat, spend a couple of years on speed, stop showering, cut yourself a lot, overdose on anything you can get your hands on, and decide to commit suicide a few times a year – you’ll pretty much have it. Dirt was one of those ‘I’m not alone’ albums that I still cherish to this day, and the melodic excellence of the band has given it the staying power that other staple bands of the time, like Garbage, just didn’t have. I still listen to this one sometimes, though for reasons I suppose are rather obvious I don’t choose to go there very often. I like the other AiC albums as well, but none were as hard hitting to me as Dirt, which for all intents and purposes put a soundtrack to my miserable drugged existence for the first time. It’s still incredibly potent to me, and I’m still a riddle so strong you can’t break me.

Nirvana – Unplugged in New York

Let me be fair. ALL of the Nirvana albums and the various bootlegs that floated around for most of the mid-late 90’s were the center of my universe for quite some time. But Unplugged was different. It was more my style of music as I grew older, and it represented a “Look what could have been” aspect that I feel is at least partially responsible for my surviving my teens. It really made me think about the price of burning out so early while still connecting with my depressive roots that continued to hold me firmly below the ground that everyone else seemed to be walking on, but it showed a promise that somehow kept my head above water, too. I would not make the same mistakes.

Tool – Aenema

Man, this one is just so amazing I don’t know that words will cut it. Finding this Album was like finding the God in myself. It was the first time someone elses music spoke directly to my soul, carried me away and fucked me like a passion-gorged lover returning from an extensive leave. It was sexy, fairly simple, cerebral music that I still turn to again and again for the warm tingling sensations it brings. By far the best concert I’ve ever experienced. Sober, too!

Soul Coughing – El Oso

Holy shit! Music that is upbeat makes you feel good?! WOW!

Dead Can Dance – The Serpents Egg

Who can REALLY describe their first introduction to Dead can Dance? I’ll just say that learning there was interesting, vocal, landscaping, gibberish music out there that wasn’t fucking Enya changed my life. Lisa specifically inspired me to use my voice more, and allowed me to stop being embarrassed that it frequently sounded sad and forlorn.

Fiona Apple – Tidal

This album got me the fuck out of Baltimore, and got me the fuck out of the most difficult relationship I’d ever been in. By far the most intelligent lyrics I’d ever heard, and to top it off, she was crazy. One of the greatest compliments I received during this time in my life was from a friend who saw Fiona in an interview and swore to god she was me incarnate. She was also the mirror image that caused me to realize, I didn’t want to be quite as fucked up as I was, and in turn really changed my life for the better. I still cry every time I hear certain songs on the album, “Never is a Promise”, “The child is gone”, “Sullen girl”.

Paul Oakenfold – Transport

This album was a major step for me. I went from music that helped me wallow to music that made me feel alive. It’s also the album that got me through many lonely, dehydrated late nights at Microsoft as a Software Test Engineer. This entry comes with a neat little story. A couple years after I’d pretty much taken the album out of rotation, I got an email though (RIP) from some guy with the return address dreamtraveler@, asking if I’d be interested in doing some vocals for him. It turned out to be the same person who did the first, and my favorite, track on this album. We made a few tracks together that can be found on to this day, and I’m sure we would have made more if I didn’t hate all of humanity back then, particularly the ones in the music industry.

Moby – Play

New meets old in the most endearing and entertaining way. This album was my companion for some time, the concept still amazes me, and I really liked that I was listening to Church music without wanting to barf in my own fist and throw it at someone. Play opened my mind to new things, particularly arts, and cemented my desire to spend more time in New York. I met Moby and his band during the height of my infatuation with Play, which was pretty much the coolest thing that could have happened to me like EVER, and they remembered me later too. :) Real fun times. Play reminds me of summer driving with the windows down and just.. feeling almost free, finally.

Massive Attack – Mezzanine

Once tired of trancy-clubby electronica, Massive Attack was the perfect step up, and represents my current musical tastes well. It is sensual, universal, applicable music that can be the center of attention, or the background noise, depending on your mood. “Angel” is my anthem, and was to be my wedding march had we had an actual wedding. It is currently stuck in my car stereo, as that’s what was in it when some fucktard stole my car and ripped up the dash.

I grew up listening to the classical station, and Adult contemporary 80’s music. There was nothing specific album-wise from that time period and mostly what I listened to was the radio anyway. My first CD? UB40 – Promises and lies, when I was in 8th grade. Other influential albums include Portishead – Dummy and Cowboys, tons of Movie Soundtracks (Memento, Donnie Darko, Batman Begins, etc), The Gorillaz albums, anything Pink Floyd, anything Radiohead, most of Bjorks stuff, and a bunch of other stuff that I just can’t think of at the moment. And of course, the release of my own albums on were pretty significant for me as well.

Albums that I liked for a while but don’t really connect with anymore would be like, Green Day – Dookie, The older NIN stuff, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Marilyn Masons albums, classics like Zeppelin and old Aerosmith, mostly popular albums that didn’t have as much staying power in my tastes. I can still listen, but I don’t seek the stuff out, and when I do it’s one or two songs, not the whole album.

Amazingly enough, it took me til this year to really discover Depeche Mode. I am so behind. And so not goth anymore.

My first Cleansing Fast

Tuesday, March 14th, 2006

For the last few years, I've been developing my relationship with my body, and adapting different viewpoints on disease and illness than I had previously. For the most part, I figure that diseases are largely psychosomatic and the process of neglect or mistreatment. I think a lot of that neglect and mistreatment comes from eating the SAD (Standard American Diet) which is primarily improper food combinations that have been deep fried and processed to the degree that whatever life force the food once had, it's gone by the time you eat it.

I've gotten to the point where I eat mostly fruit and raw eggs. I experimented with an entirely raw diet for a while but didn't find it suited me very well. I've all but eliminated pasta and potatoes from my diet which has helped me immensely in feeling and looking better, I eat my meat raw and stay as far away from pre-packaged/processed food as I can. The results have been staggaring.

But I still get sick from time to time. And I know I'm not getting colds or viruses, I'm just getting sick. Sometimes it's emotional and stress related. But other times, I can't pin it down.

After some nudging from people who have done it and a fuckload of research, I decided to try the Lemonade Cleanse, a 10 day fast of lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water. To supplement the fast and keep the bowles moving, it is required that you drink a laxative tea morning and evening, and optionally partake in a salt water flush every morning. Here is my story.

Thursday, March 9th

7:15pm ——————————————————————-

I decided to make a drink to see what they tasted like and am quite pleasantly surprised by what I will be ingesting for the next 10 days.

Call me crazy but my throat already feels better after one.

The tea they suggested is really good too.

My last treat for the evening? Bananas dunked in Trader Joes Honey flavored greek yogurt.

See you on the other side…

Friday, March 10th I started the fast.

Saturday, March 11th

9:57am ——————————————————

I am pretty loopy today. Lots of typos and disconnections. But otherwise the fast is going well. A few people read through the page I linked last night and proceeded to pick apart the guys ideals. He feels that calcium is good for lung health, that lemons and limes are the best food on the earth, is religious, etc. I consider his personal beliefs, many of which I don't agree with, to be separate from the actual fast, which makes sense to me. So, just wanted to point out that just because I'm doing the fast, that doesn't mean I agree with all the dribble on that page, and hopefully curb some people from bothering to try to discredit the fast based on that. I'll discredit it on my own by doing it, thank you very much.

Besides, everyone knows that raw egg is the most nutritious food on the planet. Duh ;)

I'd also forgotten how hot my stomach looks when I go a day without solid food. Hubba hubba.


I've been cramping and feeling uncomfortable today, so I decided to try the salt water flush tonight. It sounded terrible and not for me, but I had decided when I started this that I would try it once so I knew exactly what I was choosing not to do. Basically, it's drinking a quart of salt water, which then flushes your system within an hour or so.

My colon is so friggen clean you could eat off of it. But I am so fucking sick I pretty much want to die. Well, maybe not, but I am rather exceptionally uncomfortable. Probably even more uncomfortable than you are after envisioning someone eating off my colon. :P Well, actually, we're probably even. Welcome to my HELL!!

Amazing results, I admit. But the salt water flush is simply not on my list of things to re-do. Like, ever. Never again. Unless you're a masochistic freak like me who tries weird painful shit for the hell of it (One day, perhaps I will share with you my tequila story), I don't recommend it. Personally, I'd rather just give myself an enema.

I found a better link to the basics of the fast I'm doing. Lots less voodoo talk on that one. I'm feeling a bit sicker than is acceptable, but I just realized that I've barely drank any water since I started – Lots of lemonade and tea, but very little water. I suspect kicking that up a couple notches will clear up my sickliness.

The physical hunger is trivial. Mostly what I'm going through is unsettled stomach that feels like my typical indigestion, (I suspect because I'm not keeping up on my water intake like I should be) which actually makes me not want solid food. The lemonade is already getting old, though, which concerns me as it's only the second day, and I have very .. stark .. reactions to foods I've simply had enough of. If I get much more sick of it, I'll start gagging every time I 'eat', and I don't think I'll stick with the fast for long if that starts happening.

As far as the assburglars you supposedly shit out when cleansing.. I'm very skeptical of it. However, I'm just passing liquid at this point, so none of that for me on this cleanse, and my supporter who's done it before has not mentioned it.

If I do a different type of fast the next time it's time to cleanse, I will probably do a colon cleanse kind so I can keep eating and not make it such a shocking ordeal for my system. Probably do each kind once a year. When I get around to the other one, I'll surely write about that one too, and if I do shit out any monsters, I'll totally post pictures

I'm shooting for the full 10 days, though currently I'm a bit weary of training while my shits are liquid and urgent. If that doesn't clear up soon (it's supposed to) I will need to settle for 5, I've got shows coming up that I need to practice for.

10:52pm ———————————————

Thanks to corvida for pointing me to this episode of This American Life. Skip to 23 minutes for the following, and exceptionally interesting (if you find my fasting posts interesting) segment about one eloquent and well spoken mans 20 day fast experience. His focus was enlightenment, whereas mine is physical detox; his story is rather touching actually.

Act Two. Life in the Fast Lane. For millenia, people have tried to reach a spiritual promised land by fasting. Jesus did it. The Buddha did it. Monks and saints and new age gurus have done it. And now, on the radio, This American Life contributor David Rakoff tries it. He does a 20-day fast, to find out if it brings him any form of enlightenment. (25 minutes)

Sunday, March 12th

5:45am —————————————————

Apparently, I no longer need sleep. Down at 11:30, up at 5am. I have a pretty busy day, it'll be a good test I suppose, and a good first shot at slipping in naps during the day.

9am ——————————————————

Supposedly it's important to bathe a lot while fasting, but so far I've been feeling less of a need to shower. My skin isn't as greasy and I'm sleeping much cleaner, not waking up in night sweats and am generally just feeling more self-sufficient in regards to hygiene. Without food getting stuck in my teeth there is no fuzz, though I'm still brushing and flossing like normal since I'm sure this stuff is murder on my enamel. I took a long bath this morning anyway while the house warmed up, and it was good.

My breakout on my chest and chin from the pringle-fest last weekend is clearing very obviously, but my eyes are dull and my lips are thin. I am in good spirits but sleepy most of the time, and my muscles frequently tingle as if they'd just started to fall asleep before moving them. While getting out of the car yesterday and the tub this morning, I got that half-cramp half-tickle feeling in my calves, and I get it in my hands as well. My hands and feet are even colder than normal, and for the most part, I feel pretty weak.

I am not hungry.

11am ——————————————————–

I just passed a small amount of brown plastic-looking stuff. It reminded me of when I got my cervical biopsies, and just didn't bleed very much, and then after about three days I passed this long rope of plastic-looking blood/tissue and it royally scared the shit out of me. They didn't warn me about it.

That was just the waste buildup from two tiny puncture wounds in my cervix after 3 days. So when considering, 'are those pictures REAL?', I thought they really might be, because I can't imagine what 26 years of intestinal buildup would be like..

Sure enough, that's pretty much what this stuff looked like, though a fraction of the size and girth and much less scary. It was a rather small lot of thinnish strands about 4-6" long, nothing to REALLY write home about, but it does answer some questions, and probably gives me a lot more interesting crap (hah) to look forward to.

At least I know it's working. Now I'm ready to FEEL it working.

1:45pm ——————————————————–

I just realized that I have neither sneezed nor coughed at all today. I've also toned down the pepper and noted that my stomach doesn't react adversely to the drink when I have very little pepper or none at all.

8:22pm ————————————————-

I am >< this close to ordering a pizza.

Grrrrrr. No, I'm not REALLY serious. However:

I have been feeling starved since 5pm, and I've drank more of this fucking lemonade and teas than I could keep count of. Within 5 minutes I'm in hunger pains again. I've basically just been waiting until it was late enough to go to sleep without being up at 3am dealing with this again.

I am pissed and cranky and I want a fucking pizza, even though I don't eat fucking pizza, and if this shit isn't over with fucking soon this fast can go fuck itself in favor of a colon cleanse where I don't FUCKING STARVE.

In all honesty, if I'm still feeling like this tomorrow night I'm likely to break the fast (the right way) at the 5 day mark, which I had already decided would be an acceptable length if I had problems or couldn't train. If 3 is really the breakthough day, then tomorrow should be better.

Monday, March 13th

I woke up at 8am ready to quit the fast. I wrote a long post about why I was breaking the fast early and my reasonings and my experience with it. Instead of posting it, I went and took a shower, and made a decision.

11:30 am ———————————————–

Rather than sitting here talking myself out of continuing, I'm going to spend the day normally and do what I need to do, damnit. So far, I've either been too excited about, or too effected by the fast to just forget I'm fasting and live somewhat normally. With that being the case, even with a variety of viable reasons to quit now, I suspect that I would not feel good about breaking the fast at this stage, having not -really- given myself a chance to adjust to it.

If that was the hump, I think I'll be fine from here on. Tomorrow is the halfway point. Looking back, I don't feel like I've been doing this that long. I just need to get the fuck over the fact that I'm fasting and quit making it such a big god damn deal. In the grand scheme of things, this is cake.

Mmm. Cake..

12:30pm ——————————————–

I have a rather staggaring headache, and my face is breaking out a little. But my lips are the right size again!

7:00pm ————————————

Training was fucking awesome.

No, seriously. From the time I started stretching till two hours later when I made myself quit, it was great. I started warming up and stretching and I couldn't stop MOVING. I was so lean and long and light and loose. My typical crunchy spots were smooth, I didn't have the pains in my shoulders or hips I usually have, and I didn't have to worry about barfing up my lunch while upside down :P

I worked on trapeze with [info]bevsob, as we're doing a singles/doubles act for SEAF, which was perfect for my energy level and where I was at mentally. We made a lot of progress and I'm super excited about the act. In fact, I've decided to can my solo rope act on Friday and do the trap act twice. I was so mellow and focused and smooth, it really was exceptionally enjoyable.

I've only ever felt this way while training once before, last summer when I was revisiting and mending my relationship with drugs. (I no longer do them, but felt a need to resolve my largely negative experiences with them after being in therapy for a while) I stopped in to work out after a short introduction to 2cb, and was no longer under the mild influence, but had a residual calm and grounded relationship with my body. As well, I was easily able to express my sensual side and slow my movements on aerial equipment for the first time that day, which has changed the way I view my performances and my abilities ever since.

I think it may be safe to assume that I have broke through.

10:27pm —————————————————–

Mental note: There is no such thing as 'just a fart' while fasting.

Tuesday, March 14th

1:36pm —————————————–

Fast is going fine, I'm not doing much today since I trained yesterday. Shit out some more weird brown plastic, this time much shorter and fatter strands. Beyond that, I'm mostly splattering out foamy liquipoop. Thankfully the frequency has slowed to 3-4x a day. My asshole is thankful.

6:11 pm ——————————

Ain't no thang. I hardly notice it anymore. Well, I noticed it once, when I spent too much time sitting on this stupid computer and hadn't drank anything for a couple hours. I about fell over and my knees were numb.

I can see weight loss now. Sadly, I kinda like it, even though I certainly didn't need it. I might take some shock jock rib protrusion pictures to express my angst for.. whatever it is I'm angsting over today, but that remains to be seen with a lot of my stuff already having been packed.

Rob is off the lemonade, he went to juice today. I personally feel that he didn't drink enough water or lemonade to sustain himself, but whatever, he's not me and he's decided it won't work for him. Thankfully he's agreed to stay on juice until I'm done so I don't have to deal with food while I finish up. Not bad for someone I'd expected to scoff at me when I mentioned a fast.

Wednesday, March 15th

At day 6, I'm about done. My boobs are shrinking away and I've lost as much weight as I am willing to lose. Training was pretty rough. I feel fine, but tired, and I am hungry. Not 'craving' hungry, but 'uhm, could really use some actual sustenance here' hungry. It's not horrific, but it's not something I plan on ignoring.

I am naturally 5'8" and 118-120lbs. My body fat percentage is somewhere between "ooooh, lucky!" and "too fucking LOW.". I can get to ~125lbs if I'm dedicated to strength training with weights 3x a week. I don't gain weight any other way besides working out, and have a psycho high metabolism. My body is thankful for the break, but is ready to get back to food. I ain't gonna argue with that.

I am satisfied with how far I took my first fast. I feel that going the full recommended 10 days wouldn't be healthy for me, and even if it would give me some kind of emotional satisfaction to go 'all the way', I think it's more important to do whats right for my body than conform to a cookie cutter standard. So, I am settling for 7, a full week, and I think that's totally ok. Tomorrow is my last day, and I will be doing a big fat load of nothing all day long.

I'll post a breakdown once I've been back to solid food for a while and have had a chance to experience the supposed benefits after fasting. Here is my current stand on The Master Cleanser/Lemonade Cleanse:

While I wouldn't call this some kind of religious experience or the most enjoyable thing in the world, the difficulty vs. benefit ratio is currently well balanced as far as I am concerned, though I do think part of that is knowing when to stop. I think the fast is reasonable and much safer than some alternatives, but it is a rather formal and pretty fucking hard core way to go in the grand scheme of options. Next time I’ll do either a juice and broth fast, or a psyllium husk colon cleanse to go with my already pretty alright diet.

(P.S. I am not a doctor. Just opinionated.)

Wednesday, August 10th, 2005

I’ve considered that the people who have complained that I’m too negative are used to being around introverted, fearful people who can’t manage to say what they really think and have become accustomed to that muted state of being, or perhaps more so, the comforts found in being around people who don’t challenge themselves or others. It’s almost absolute that someone who comments on my negativity is ALWAYS a person who has been sheltered in some massive fashion. Fuck that for me I say. Get a fucking helmet or go the hell away, whiners.