Where do we go from here

Having that fucking IUD out is a such a godsend. I still haven’t felt any more pelvic pain! And now after two blows of sextrust related trauma in the last month, I am back to having zero interest in sex again anyway and feel sure about putting off sterilization, so I won’t be dealing with healing from abdominal surgery right now either. 😂 Yay, numbness. It’s a thing, ya know? Bets on whether I can hold out til after menopause?

I’m really looking forward to getting in about brain pills next month. The fear around that is greatly reduced and I am curious about the advancements that have been made over the last couple decades. It’s become something I am looking forward to and I’ve figured out/been able to adjust more than a few factors that were contributing to how bad things had gotten with my mental health.

Now that I’ve had my signature rage catharsis from this last fuckshit obstacle my plan is to contract from social media to focus on making sure I have the energy to keep up on face time with core support people until I get to my dr. appointment. If you don’t see me flailing around here too much it’s likely because I am successful with that.

Thank you so much to everyone here who has participated in helping me through these last few roughass months and encouraged me to Keep Going. Your participations have often been the only thing I perceived I had in some really fucking dark worrisome moments. You’ve been collectively saving my ass and articulating encouragement and support in ways that penetrated and made a difference. I’m not a big keeper of things, but some of y’all gave me gifts I’ll remember for a very long time. Thank you. I’ll keep trying to do and be all that you’ve reminded me that I am. –facebook

Times haven’t actually changed all that much since the 90’s, but it sure does feel that way. I am often nostalgic for the days when I could stay blissfully unaware while simultaneously chomping at the bit for something real to believe in and fight for.

While being a part of a tech movement that literally changed the landscape of every single aspect of human life, I was furious for having been born in this time, rather than the 60’s or during the Suffrage movement, when the “real” battles were supposedly being won.

But damn did I never wish I was born in the future.

I was naive and impulsive then, still am I think, but full of energy I no longer have, that I spent a lot of time squandering on abusing myself. I was sharp and tenacious and aware of social injustices and that gnawed me from the inside out. I hated watching how abusive and horrible we were to one another and I had not yet learned that not all people behaved the way my tech buds and I behaved, treated one another so badly, or were as harmful and destructive as we were. Who knows what I could have accomplished with my head on straight and in a stable environment where I’d learned to actually relate to others.

Despite her many faults, in these last few years I’ve been hoping to connect with the core of that person I was then, after spending a lot of my adult life taming my nature and unlearning what she inherently knew.

God damn but did I know who the fuck I was back then, what I was about, what I thought needed to be done. I left every tech job I had because I was horrified at the evolution and was miserable contributing to misery.

I was also abusive, racist, classist mean, selfish. It’s been a fucking pain in the ass, this inbetween, trying to mine for the baby I threw out in that bathwater while continuing to dismantle the oppressions I still embody in myself. I am so lonely, my already fragile community connections are all damaged and fractured, AND I still don’t know who the fuck I am.

In the past I have joined groups based on my interests and naturally thrived there, drowning myself out and absorbing my environment. Now I’m just spinning in circles.

Debts mount, time in this temporary sanctuary ticks, the hits keep puncturing my heart, and I just keep waiting for the cry, MY battle cry, not knowing what the fuck to do with all this exhaustion, aggitation, despair, and doubt.

I’ve had faith since closing my business, leaving my partnerships and hitting the road that I would know it when I see it. Whatever I’m looking for. But I am also losing hope, losing steam, and running out of ideas. In a bit over two weeks, I will finally be talking to my doctor about getting on meds. I hope that works. Cuz I really, really, need something to work. 

Comments are closed.