Privates

I totally painted myself up and made homegrown weirdo solo porn vids last night and its mine mine mine and you don’t get to have it because my body and my sexuality and my dorky performative fantasies are mine, mine, mine.

They exist and they’re Mine.

Put that in your hole and fuck it.

In other news: I don’t normally begrudge people for thinking of me as female. A lot of the time I think of myself that way and I know a lot of us including myself recognize how difficult it is to change our thinking around such stigmatized and deeply engrained topics as assuming someones gender. But this pissed me off.

A mother interrupted my craigslist transaction today as I was selling my motorcycle rack, to inform me that her child, who she was pushing in a stroller down the sidewalk, is learning about gender stereotypes.

Her kid had assumed, because my hair is buzzed, that I was a boy. But, their mother informed them that because of my voice, I was obviously a girl.

She interrupted me to inform me of this. Obviously, I’m a girl. She waited expectantly beside her kids stroller for me to confirm her observation of my girlness and thusly conclude her childs lesson on gender stereotypes and why they are bad, mmmkay.

So I informed her with a smile that I am nonbinary, actually. Though my online accounts and as many paper forms as possible reflect this, it is the first time I’ve declared to a stranger in meatspace.

She shifted on her feet a moment and then dismissed me by saying that concept was ‘too advanced’ for her kid to understand.

I really wanted to say that I disagreed with that.

I really wanted to say that it’s only too ‘advanced’ for children who are treated as though they can’t discern more than one thing or another at a time.

I really wanted to point out that there are all sorts of examples of other things that are not one or the other that her child obviously understands already — like colors, for instance, and types of food.

And I really wanted to express to this person that their perceived convenience is not more important than my identity. That it’s just as easy to teach her kid not to assume anyones gender than it was for her to declare mine to me and then resist me when I corrected her.

I wanted to express all those things about 20 minutes after she wandered away and I’d snarkily snickered to the person buying my rack that that mother could keep her crappy gender binary.

That for some stupid reason this person felt so damn entitled they randomly drug a person (who was busy with something else) on the street into a conversation about their fucking gender in an effort to assist in their idea of parenting.

That she hid behind her kid to express her own narrow mindedness and unwillingness to actually explore the topic of the gender stereotyping. Just.. seriously.

One thing this exchange is definitely illuminating for me is something I’ve been tracking for a while, in this case a focus I have on parents parenting better, rather than interacting with children myself. It’s a lot like wanting to punish bullies rather than support and protect the people they victimize.

I’ve been having fantasies of talking to her kid directly and telling them it’s ok not to be a boy or a girl or to be either or to be in between and talking to THEM and just going around the mother. All I needed to do was lean down and tell that kid it’s best just not to assume anyone else’s gender without asking and this would have felt like a win.

If I’d not been in a completely different headspace working with wrenches and shit I mighta. But I doubt it. But maybe.

Instead I just feel kinda.. anticlimactic. I was disappointed in myself for not reacting differently. It was such a perfect opportunity to do some real fucking boots on the ground educating. Had a hard time letting go of it for a while. When I did, there was a bunch of swirly shit underneith.

It didn’t really feel big when it happened, but as I thought about it I got kinda, queasy.

I don’t want to give up my normity, maybe.

But I’m not so different or flagrant that I feel like I really belong to this group I’m starting to claim.

I’m afraid of being and feeling even more alienated and weird in society.

But it really just.. came the fuck out of my mouth. I barely even thought of my response to her, just a blip of hesitation. I just thought it would be accepted with a nod, really, most of me thought that anyway.

I think, in that way, facebook actually really spoiled me. Ugh. Dear god.



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