The fucks I no longer give

Sometimes, people who hold power over you behave like selfish, entitled, manipulative, thieving assholes, and there just isn’t a god damn fucking thing you can do about it.

If being mostly-away from Facebook has taught me anything, it’s the danger and the psychological impact of masturbatory propaganda.

Especially the kind that says what you wanna hear and caters to ones sense of superiority and righteousness, caters to ones desire for an uprising, backlash or official stand.

So many of the memes circulated here are catharsis rooted in misinformation, I just don’t believe any of them any more unless it’s worth it to me to research the incident or official statement.

Facebook is full of these polished turds masquerading as progressions in social justice, encouraging people to believe their ‘side’ is ‘winning’. If you took everything else away you’d still have detailed outlines of them, corn kernels and everything.

It’s a constant battle of balancing my emotions, intuition, needs and passions with knowing that by its very nature, right down to the bone, everything I’m shown here is linked to someone else’s agenda. And it’s a battle I’m grateful to not be fighting as much any more.

Would putting Decatur up on youtube be worth the time investment in terms of actual album sales and show attendance in my real lived-long life? Or would it just, at best, expand the amount of free consumption and give me ‘followers’.

I don’t think I want ‘followers’ anymore.

But if I had more of them, someone would have pirated my damn album already and done the work for me so I didn’t have to.

Who succeeds at this? Who?

Every time I think I see someone who has, I look close enough and there are the telltale signs that they might have even less idea what the fuck they are doing than me. Or, they have about a million people on staff to help. Or both. Usually both.

And I really wouldn’t want to trade my problems for anyone else’s. Really, I wouldn’t.

I just.. don’t know how much to give, anymore. I guess a good way to describe it, is I miss how simple it was, how little I had to think about it before. That when I was done with something I created, or maybe even not done yet, I posted it and that was it. It was out, and it was circulated, and that was it.

I miss when it was in DCC on IRC and among friends, people who knew one another and hung out and would show the fuck up. In communities. I miss having a core group of people I sent my music to.

Never made a living that way, though.

—-

It’s really not perfect. There are things in some episodes that have caused me to consider not continuing to watch the show. Powerpuff girls I never even saw because I heard about the transphobic unicorn/buttercup episode and just decided fuck it. Same with Xfiles reboot — Mulder is a sexist stuck up pice of shit. I want to like Stephen Universe but I can’t get over the presentation, the fast seizure inducing animation and the squeaky voices. It’s not perfect, but I am allowing myself to have Bobs Burgers. Bobs Burgers I like. I like how that family interacts and has conflicts. I like Tina. Louise reminds me of me when I was smaller. And I like that the episodes have tons of different themes and directors and ways of telling stories. It’s one of the few shows that I don’t watch and see characters saturated in rape culture/violence against women, or this:

This comic about Bart Simpson and Chris Griffin in therapy will make you cry

So much of what so many people ingest as entertainment is just so fucking horrifying to me.

I struggle with relationships with people, and the species as a whole. But when I’m tested, I’m always the person running toward the crash I just witnessed, ready to help.

That’s the thing about some of us who just want to see the world burn, I guess. It’s the quiet and bonding that’s left afterward that we actually want.

Also dig on the less people part. There’s too many of us and we kinda suck.



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